mlk_man's fun house

[grandma]

imported post

mlk_man wrote:

Most people today don't even butcher there own deer.

I'm a much better hunter with my car..............:shock:

....fortunately i've never had the misfortune of connecting with a deerleaping across the road - did manage to get stopped the one time it occurred.

Dressing your own meat takes time, wisdom and knowledge - we use the middle-man for such as this. I hated having to try to do the chickens in when working in summer harvest farms in eastern Washingtonas a teenager, but later in life I was glad to know how!!!

 

[mlk_man]

imported post

Funny Picture -- You think you're having a Bad Day?


[align=center]

[/align]

 

[mlk_man]

imported post

 

[mlk_man]

imported post

And of course it wouldn't be Christmas without the official "White Trash Xmas" song.................:^

http://www.irbykennedy.com/WhiteTrashXmas.html

 

[Spaf]

imported post

M_M,
On your 11:51 post, all I see are boxes with red "x"s?Whats up?Spaf

 

[grandma]

imported post

Spaf wrote:

M_M,
On your 11:51 post, all I see are boxes with red "x"s?Whats up?Spaf

I am not even getting the redxboxes - just empty spaces, lined off - try again!

 

[mlk_man]

imported post

Try this:

 

[mlk_man]

imported post

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

 

[mlk_man]

imported post

THe way this day is shaping up, I think we need a joke:

 [b][color="blue"]A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
> > >  "Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots,
> > >  but they only know how to say one thing."
> > >  "What do they say?" the priest asks.  They say,"Hi, we're
> > >  hookers--do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!"
> > >  the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
> > >  "You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have
> > >  taught to pray and read the Bible.  Bring your parrots
> > >  over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
> > >  Francis and Job.  They can teach your parrots to praise
> > >  and worship, and they will be sure to stop saying that
> > >  phrase in no time." "Thank you, "the woman said, "this
> > >  may be the solution. "The next day, she brought her
> > >  female parrots to the priest's hou se.  As he ushered her
> > >  in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
> > >  cage holding rosary beads and praying.  Impressed,
> > >  she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
> > >  After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
> > >  unison: "Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"
> > >  There was stunned silence.  Shocked, one male parrot
> > >  looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
> > >  the beads away, Frank.  Our prayers have been answered!"[/color][/b]

 

[mlk_man]

Happy V-Day All

A woman wakes up on Feb. 14th and tells her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentines Day. What do you think it
means??"

"You'll know tonight" he says.

That evening, the man comes home with a small package and gives it to his
wife.

Delighted, she opens it and finds..

.. a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams"

 

[mlk_man]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She
> >>> >>was admired
> >>> >> > for
> >>> >> > > her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor
> >>> >>came to call
> >>> >> > on
> >>> >> > > her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She
> >>> >>invited him to
> >>> >> > have
> >>> >> > > a seat while she prepared tea.
> >>> >> > >
> >>> >> > > As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
> >>> >>noticed a
> >>> >> > > cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled
with
> >>> >>water, and
> >>> >> > in
> >>> >> > > the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she
returned
> >>> >>with tea
> >>> >>and
> >>> >> > > scones,
> >>>they began to chat.
> >>> >> > >
> >>> >> > > The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
> >>> >>water and its
> >>> >> > > strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he
> >>> >>could no
> >>> >>longer
> >>> >> > > resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would
tell
> >>> >>me about
> >>> >> > > this?" pointing to the bowl.
> >>> >> > >
> >>> >> > > "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
> >>> >>through the
> >>> >> > Park
> >>> >> > > a few months ago and I found this little package on the
> >>> >>ground. The
> >>> >> > > directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and
that
> >>> >>it would
> >>> >> > > prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had
the
> >>> >>flu all
> >>> >> >
> >>> > winter?"

 

[mlk_man]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be
a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney-General John
Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'and
refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, 'There are 3
sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given
us more fingers and toes".

 

[MacDaddy]

Zen Sarcasm

I hope you don't mind me putting these here??

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique - just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.



12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[mlk_man]

Ha, some good ones!!

 

[mlk_man]

 

[mlk_man]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

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Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke.

Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind

 

[mlk_man]

A Durango cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processedand the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spread sheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy andsays, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy." Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about cows........ Now giveme back my dog."[FONT=arial,helvetica][/FONT]

 

[mlk_man]

Senator Hurt in Air Crash

U.S. Senator Unhurt in Air Crash

The Associated Press reports that New York junior Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft that she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather.

National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination that pilot error contributed to the accident, and that the senator was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR [instrument flight rating] conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft. She was very lucky.

 

[mlk_man]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job a few years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and talk smart with
his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like
me and hints that I may be inclined the 'other' way.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it!

 

[ayla]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher
(whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle) the doctor
and the old man struck up a conversation about George W. Bush
being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a fence post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fence
post turtle was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and
you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
fence post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued
to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't
belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you
just want to help the dumb b*st*rd get down!!