mlk_man's fun house

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Bad Joke Of The Day

An atom walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink.

He looks very dejected because he has received unrelenting insults all
day and he has has all he can take. The bartender notices his demeanor
and asks "Hey there friend, what up with you? You seem awfully down"

The atom replies "I had such a bad day and to top it all off, I lost an
electron!"

The bartender asks him "wow that's really rough--losing an electron.
Are you sure you can't find your electron anywhere?"

"I'm positive."
 
Here is the traditional collegiate football quiz to begin the season. Even though you may know most of the answers, it is still fun to reminisce the halcyon days of yore.

1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? .........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? .........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room? .........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch? .........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend? ........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum? .........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? .........None -- that's a sophomore course.

(8) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? ........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

(9) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? .........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week
 
Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Dog For Sale"

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Since no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired,"

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars"

The guy says, "this dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."
 
Married Couple in Boudreaux,LA

An elderly couple had been married over 60 years and fought bitterly the last 50. The wife told her husband she couldn't wait for him to pass on so she could find her a young replacement. The old codger told everyone he would just dig his way out and come back to haunt her. At 91 he finally passed away and the night he was buried his wife was found in the local bar flirting with all the young men. Her neighbor asked her if she wasn't afraid her husband would be true to his word and dig his way out and come after her.
She told him she wasn't worried. Let him dig, she said, I buried him upside down!
 
George Carlin's New Rules For 2007:

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days -- mowing
my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better d escription for these
kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a
kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do
you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time gran dpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis .

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the *******. If you walk into a
Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge *******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up
is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God
you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently
televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table
was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then
you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies
and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do
just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult
and want a job that pays better than minimum wage,
then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
 
Yeah that's what I'm doing. I think I'll go start 10 new threads like some others are doing. :D
 
So where is the beer ad? I don't need no penny stocks, I got me the G Fund....this ad sense is turning into non-cents,
 
Here's a good thread title:

"Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your AdSense Here"

:D
 
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