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Black Humor (for RED days.)
- Thread starter James48843
- Start date
XL-entLady
Well-known member
Spouse was sitting in the room with me when I read this. I programmed the site to say something to him that he is NOT used to hearing from a computer! :nuts: Great fun!This is neat. You can type in something, and have her say ANYTHING you want her to say.
Lady
James48843
Well-known member
This is neat. You can type in something, and have her say ANYTHING you want her to say. 
She will say anything you type. I sure don't know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you write something in the left space and then click on 'Say it,' she says it!
You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.
Technology! Wow !!
She will say anything you type. I sure don't know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you write something in the left space and then click on 'Say it,' she says it!
You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.
Technology! Wow !!
Buster
Well-known member
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow his ass to little bits
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow his ass to little bits
James48843
Well-known member
Another red day. Arrgggg.
Calls for something to relax one self- like going fishing:
A few tips that might make your fishing experience more enjoyable.
http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/
Calls for something to relax one self- like going fishing:
A few tips that might make your fishing experience more enjoyable.
http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
That's a BIG ONE!!!:laugh:Never fart while wearing a wet suit...
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
You think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Pilot sat down in a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.'
Damn, me to?:laugh:
An old Pilot sat down in a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.'
Damn, me to?:laugh:
Buster
Well-known member
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot
http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/index.php?src=
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot
http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/index.php?src=
James48843
Well-known member
View attachment 8201
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy, you hoped no one would find out.
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy, you hoped no one would find out.
Bluehenge
Member
Buster
Well-known member
PessOptimist
Well-known member
Grow up...
Way too late for that. Also too late for me to learn to sit back, read, enjoy and not reply when I'm cranky.
James48843
Well-known member
Buster
Well-known member
C'mon Buster, cute but we have all seen it before. The time line is distorted and the kid asked what Grampa thought, not what life was like when he was born. I seriously doubt a 59 year old remembers much about the big band era and likely had a tryst with Grandma before they were married in his or his parents car while listening to 3 dog night. All the things mentioned happened in this 59 year old's life time. If you are going to recycle old stuff, at least up date it.
From a 58 year old.
Grow up...
Buster
Well-known member
Blonde Crabs
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think are.
PessOptimist
Well-known member
C'mon Buster, cute but we have all seen it before. The time line is distorted and the kid asked what Grampa thought, not what life was like when he was born. I seriously doubt a 59 year old remembers much about the big band era and likely had a tryst with Grandma before they were married in his or his parents car while listening to 3 dog night. All the things mentioned happened in this 59 year old's life time. If you are going to recycle old stuff, at least up date it.
From a 58 year old.:laugh:
From a 58 year old.
:laugh:
Buster
Well-known member
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before
frozen foods
frozen foods
Xerox
contact lenses
Frisbees and
the pill
There were no:
credit cards
laser beams or
ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
pantyhose
air conditioners
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers
and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.</SPAN>
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
"grass" was mowed,
"coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in and
"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
" chip" meant a piece of wood,
"hardware" was found in a hardware store and
"software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?????
This man would be only 59 years old.
