Black Humor (for RED days.)

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Blonde Crabs​



A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think are.
 
PessOptimist said:
C'mon Buster, cute but we have all seen it before. The time line is distorted and the kid asked what Grampa thought, not what life was like when he was born. I seriously doubt a 59 year old remembers much about the big band era and likely had a tryst with Grandma before they were married in his or his parents car while listening to 3 dog night. All the things mentioned happened in this 59 year old's life time. If you are going to recycle old stuff, at least up date it.

From a 58 year old.:D:laugh:
Click to expand...

Grow up...:D:D
 
View attachment 8201

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived


And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy, you hoped no one would find out.
​
 
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?



He never heard the gunshot

http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/index.php?src=
 
You think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Pilot sat down in a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.'
Damn, me to?:laugh:
 
Never fart while wearing a wet suit...

fart.jpg
 
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow his ass to little bits
 
This is neat. You can type in something, and have her say ANYTHING you want her to say. :D

She will say anything you type. I sure don't know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you write something in the left space and then click on 'Say it,' she says it!
You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.
Technology! Wow !!
 
James48843 said:
This is neat. You can type in something, and have her say ANYTHING you want her to say. :D

Click to expand...
Spouse was sitting in the room with me when I read this. I programmed the site to say something to him that he is NOT used to hearing from a computer! :nuts: Great fun! :)

Lady
 
Fascinating!
Tigerdirect.com has a gizmo you do the talking & the computer types what you say - this is that in reverse!! It costs, tho! :D
How would an ordinary user make use of this Julie speech thing?
 
ha! that's good. i just typed in a single space and the silence was golden, she just looked around all confused.

what do you tell an AI with two black eyes?

nothing, it obviously don't listen.
 
Buster said:
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow his ass to little bits
Click to expand...

:laugh: That caused me to spewed my coffee on my screen. Good one, I'll borrow that joke. :D I'm a little behinds on the joke thread.
 
amazing simple home remedies:​

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.​

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.​

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a
timer.​

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.​

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be
afraid to cough.​

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.​

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.​




thought for the day:​

some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring
a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.​
 
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