Black Humor (for RED days.)

[James48843]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

 

[grandma]

http://tinyurl.com/ybtz4t2

Fun at the airport!

 

[alevin]

I can't help but wonder.....

1. About those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. That there are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles,why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follows that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words'The' and 'IRS' together it spells....
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*

21. If Olive oil come from Olives, Corn oil comes from corn, Where does Baby oil come from?

OK, Buster, that was an EXcellent post! Will keep me going all day, any day-I just need to go back and re-read whenever I need a lighter moment. Especially the one about swimming pools, you have no idea how true that one is in NV restaurants. :laugh:

 

[grandma]

Cardiologist and Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves
out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get $2,000,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic.......... "Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[James48843]

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

I think I know why that pig lost it's voice!

 

[nnuut]

#10. 11 should be = oneteen, 12 = twoteen

 

[Buster]

I can't help but wonder.....

1. About those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. That there are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles,why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follows that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words'The' and 'IRS' together it spells....
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*

21. If Olive oil come from Olives, Corn oil comes from corn, Where does Baby oil come from?

 

[James48843]

Church



One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."






"Why not?" she asked.







I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."






His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

 

[Buster]

Adding a couple more..

The economy is so bad that: I have to FART to get a scent in my pocket.

The economy is so bad that: I can't pay attention.

 

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Only a Dim would think that was funny.

 

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.​

ACORN bought 'em up and doubled their salary.
​

 

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:

...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM..​

That's due to the Union Bosses that destroyed GM.
​

 

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:

...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
​

​

...Jessie Jackson said he wanted to do to his stockbroker the same thing that he said he wanted to do to BHO.
​

 

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:

...I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail (bada bing....)
​

...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
​

"Can you afford fries with that?" (bada bing...)
​

...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
​

...If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
​

and
​

ask if they meant you or them.
​

...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.. (bada bing..)
​

...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
​

...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannnies and learned their children's names.
​

...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico
​

...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
​

...Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
​

...The Mafia is laying off judges.
​

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
​

...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
​

Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
​

And, finally...
​

...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. ​

Sounds like all that hope and change ain't working out for you James. We tried to tell you.

 

[James48843]

The economy is so bad that:

...I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail (bada bing....)
​

...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
​

"Can you afford fries with that?" (bada bing...)
​

...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
​

...If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
​

and
​

ask if they meant you or them.
​

...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.. (bada bing..)
​

...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
​

...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannnies and learned their children's names.
​

...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico
​

...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
​

...Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
​

...The Mafia is laying off judges.
​

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
​

...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
​

Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
​

And, finally...
​

...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. ​

 

[nnuut]

What the HELL! That's the difference between us and wild animals, we get it right the first time!!

 

[McDuck]

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

TMZ says that Tiger does it about that often also.

 

[grandma]

Louisiana Ghost Story ( a true story)

Buster, that is hilalrious !
View attachment 7887

You know it is true - because... ?
c'm on, 'fess up !!!:toung:

 

[McDuck]

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

from wikipedia:
As with other cats, the male lion's penis has spines which point backwards. Upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female's vagina, which may cause ovulation. A lioness may mate with more than one male when she is in heat; during a mating bout, which could last several days, the couple copulates twenty to forty times a day and are likely to forgo eating.

 

[McDuck]

I question the accuracy of some of this information. (Sorry Buster. I still think you're an all-right guy.)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
( Don 't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.


(30 minutes...Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds...
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...!)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


(God love that pig!)