Black Humor (for RED days.)

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>>
>> THE NEW ANT and the Grasshopper, Two Versions:
>>
>>
>>
>> The ANT
>> AND THE
>> GRASSHOPPER
>>
>> This one is a little different....
>> Two Different Versions ...
>> Two Different Morals
>>
>> OL D VERSION
>>
>> The ant works
>> hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house andlaying
>> up
>> supplies for the winter.
>>
>> The grasshopper
>> thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summeraway.
>>
>> Come winter, the ant is warm
>> and well fed.
>>
>> The grasshopper has
>> no food or shelter, so he
>> dies out in the cold.
>>
>>
>>
>> MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
>>
>>
>> Be responsible for yourself!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> MODERN
>> VERSION
>>
>> The ant works hard
>> in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
>> and laying up supplies for the winter.
>>
>> The grasshopper thinks the ant
>> is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
>>
>> Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
>> calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
>> allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
>>
>> CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,
>> and ABC show up to
>> provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
>> next to a video of the ant
>> in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
>> America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
>>
>> How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poorgrasshopper
>> is allowed to suffer so?
>>
>> Kermit the Frog appears
>> on Oprah
>> with the grasshopper
>> and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not EasyBeing Green...'
>>
>> Occupy the Anthill stages
>> a demonstration in front of the ant's
>> house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall
>> overcome.
>>
>> Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright
>> has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake,
>> while he damns the ants.
>>
>>
>> President Obama condems the ant
>> and blames
>> President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher
>> Columbus, and the
>> Pope
>> for the grasshopper's
>> plight..
>>
>> Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid
>> exclaim in an interview with Larry
>> King that the ant has
>> gotten rich off the back of the
>> grasshopper,
>> and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his
>> fair
>> share.
>>
>> Finally, the EEOC drafts
>> the Economic Equity &
>> Anti-Grasshopper Act
>> retroactive to the beginning of
>> the summer.
>>
>> The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
>> of green bugs and,
>> having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home isconfiscated
>> by
>> the Government Green Czar
>> and given to the grasshopper.
>>
>> The story ends as we see the grasshopper
>> and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant'sfood
>> while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, justhappens
>> to
>> be the ant's old house,
>> crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
>>
>> The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
>>
>> The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and thehouse,
>> now
>> abandoned, is taken
>> over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, onceprosperous
>> and
>> peaceful, neighborhood.
>>
>> The entire Nation collapses
>> bringing the rest
>> of the free world with it.
>>
>>
>> MORAL OF THE STORY:

Guess!:laugh:
 
bike.jpg
 
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked.


'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like,
I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place.

We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'
 
Psychology Lesson

An attractive young woman was sitting alone at a bar.
"Excuse me, may I buy you a drink?" asked a young man.
"To a motel?" she yelled.
"No, no. You misunderstood. I just asked if I could buy you a drink."
"You're asking me to go to a motel?" she screamed, even more excited.
Completely bewildered, the young man withdrew to a corner. Everybody stared at him indignantly. A little later, the young woman came to his table. "I'm sorry to have created such a scene," she said. "But I'm a psychology student studying human behavior in unexpected situations."
The young man looked at her and shouted, "What? A hundred dollars?"
 
DOG FOR SALE
:laugh:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a signin front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees anice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearinga dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told theCIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spiesand world leaders, because no one figured adog would be eaves dropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to dosome under cover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


'I got married, had amess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
 
Heaven or Hell!:cool:

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant)was hit by
a BUS and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, itseems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, yousee, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll dois have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose whereto spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says theSenator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,down to hell.


The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.


In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friendsand other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and glad to see him. They run to greet him, shake hishand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at theexpense of the people.


They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and thefinest champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having agood time dancing and telling jokes.


They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it istime to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where

St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”


So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls movingfrom cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now chooseyour eternity."


The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would neverhave said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would bebetter off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down tohell...


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren landcovered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting itin black bags as more trash falls to the ground.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I washere and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wastelandfull of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,"Yesterday we were
campaigning,Today, you voted.."
 
YES, PLEASE STOP THAT!:nuts:
​
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat andclosed her eyes as the train departed Montrealfor Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next toher pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hisweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty andnot the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with thatfloozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're theonly one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue , he was stilltalking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviouslyangered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: Hey,Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in publicany longer.
 
TWO ALLIGATORS
laughdog.gif


Two Alligators were sittingaround talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said,'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age;we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the $*** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the S*** out of a politician, there's nothing left but an A**h*** and a briefcase.​
 
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