Black Humor (for RED days.)

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Ralph and Edna!
Just because someonedoesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you withall they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One daywhile they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly Jumpedinto the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediatelyordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to bementally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and savingthe life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays soundmindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt rightafter you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put himthere to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

 
LECTURE

old man drive.jpg​
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied,"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,"Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied,
"That would be my wife."​
 
would it be taken as just as humorous if denigrating a different gender or race? are somethings just off limits or are we all secure enough to laugh a bit at ourselves?

i happen to know of some redneck barbies who would take personal offense at the suggestion that pushing around bastard children in a basket full of junk food with a black eye is somehow less noble. c'mon man, it takes guts to do that.

shhhh, i got to go, she's waking up.
 
A man went into his insurance agency and told the agent that his car had been wrecked and he wanted his money for it.

The agent explained that they do not give the insured money as they just replace his car with a similar model as the one he had insured.

The man immediately told his agent to cancel the policy he had taken out on his wife.
 
I know a couple who just celebrated 54 years of marriage. So I ask the guy what his secret was to staying married so long. He told me when they had been married 20 years he took his wife on a wonderful trip to Europe. When they had been married 50 years he went back and got her.
 
BEING GREEN
Checking out at thestore, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bringher own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing backin my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation didnot care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to thestore. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized andrefilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really wererecycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused fornumerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use ofbrown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure thatpublic property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defacedby our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brownpaper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store andoffice building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwawaykind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our earlydays. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not alwaysbrand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. Andthe TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not ascreen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirredby hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in themail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plasticbubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just tocut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised byworking so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills thatoperate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or aplastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing penswith ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in arazor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes toschool or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. Wehad one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power adozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signalbeamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearestburger joint.

But isn't it sad how the current generation laments how wasteful we old folkswere just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** usoff. :nuts:
 
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the Greek on the quality of his fish and asked, “How long does it take to catch them?” The Greek replied: “Only a little while.”
The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Greek said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Greek fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends, I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Greek fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?” To which the American replied, “15-25 years.”
“But what then?” The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions … Then what?” The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends.”:cool:
 
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.
...
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there
practicing law somewhere.
Click to expand...

Bada-bing!
 
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