Black Humor (for RED days.)

[nasa1974]

This was a cute joke. Sent to me from a friend in Colorado.

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take sick leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blond) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What are
you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the Boss asked her... "And
where do you think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this.....)








She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

 

[Bquat]

This was a cute joke. Sent to me from a friend in Colorado.

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take sick leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blond) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What are
you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the Boss asked her... "And
where do you think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this.....)








She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

That was a good one, but today is not a red day. I hope.

 

[konakathy]

 

[nasa1974]

That was a good one, but today is not a red day. I hope.

The S fund was a little red when I posted the joke.

 

[nasa1974]

View attachment 17529

Everyone of those are true. Thanks for the laugh.

 

[berline]

This is awsesome...I laughed at every single one...and I'm only 30 years young

View attachment 17529

 

[Mcqlives]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[konakathy]

Post your three finds. Mine -:laugh: funny, fab, whore :laugh: :laugh: 2 out of 3 are right. :toung:

 

[nasa1974]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

GEEZ!!! Target just doesn't have a sense of humor. :nuts:

 

[grandma]

During a visit to his doctor, my neighbor asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a person should be put in a supervised-living-quarters home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we lay out a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket; we then ask them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," my neighbor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want your bed near the window or the door?"

 

[James48843]

Celibacy

What is Celibacy?



Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He then addressed the men.


Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over,
touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,


"Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?"





And thus began Frank's life of


celibacy.
​

​

​

 

[James48843]

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted.

'Just answer the question. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road.....

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just ine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other.

I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition her took out his gun....
and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

 

[Handballer]

A B C D E F G H I J K

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said "Oh, that's so lovely, what about I, J, K?"

He said,"I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

[nasa1974]

James & HB, Great way to start the day. Thanks.

 

[Buster]

It's all about the right attitude..

[video=youtube;C2QalENIMxE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=C2QalENIMxE#t=145s[/video]

 

[James48843]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

​

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

​

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..




(You’re gonna hate me for this.)

​

"Repaint!
Repaint!


And thin no more!"









"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

 

[nasa1974]

Ouch!!! A thinner no more???

 

[konakathy]

[h=1]
Butt Measurements
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. ..............
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

~~~~~~[/h]

 

[James48843]

The Secret to a Long Marriage

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete."

Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."


Pete said, "I'm going to go get her."

 

[Buster]

"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"

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SPINE......why, what where you thinking?