James48843
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Or you can now use TapaTalk again!Black Humor (for RED days.)
- Thread starter James48843
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nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
US RECESSION
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid-off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennieswhile she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you callthem and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children'snames.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and theyre-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, mysavings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they gotall excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
James48843
Well-known member
James48843
Well-known member
Subject: Your Location
THIS ONE WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!!!
Your PRECISE location on the earth..It's almost unbelievable that such technology exists. It uses your IP address and finds the exact location of any internet user in seconds. It uses a sophisticated time based algorithm to do so. Try it and find your PRECISE location on the earth, then watch your screen as the system briefly analyzes your data...then displays your PRECISE location...Your location will pop up in a new window in about 10 seconds, or so. Truly amazing.
Click on the link below...
http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html
James48843
Well-known member
A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
WOW!! I can't believe how accurate it is. Really amazing.
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
[TABLE="class: MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD]
[/TD]WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
James48843
Well-known member
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not
scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No-- wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least
two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
James48843
Well-known member
Birthday message to actress Betty White, on her 90th birthday:
[video=youtube;2zUsV7Tj2zY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2zUsV7Tj2zY[/video]
James48843
Well-known member
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you get WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or all of these three antidotes - Really Urgent Medicine (RUM), Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.
If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is already controlling your life.
RealMoneyIssues
Well-known member
James48843
Well-known member
James48843
Well-known member
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
(Doh!)
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
A lawyer and a seniorcitizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over onthem easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines andtries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I askyou a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Thenyou ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,"he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees toplay the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth tothe Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out afive-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill withthree legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After anhour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 andgoes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up andasks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down withfour?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back tosleep.
James48843
Well-known member
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