Black Humor (for RED days.)

[James48843]

From: delores schuetz
To:
Sent: Wednesday, March 21, 2012 6:39 PM
Subject: FW: Best Defense


Subject: Best Defense






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On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

A 22 short should do it....

Think not?...read on.

The best answer:

"My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta.Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little .22 SHORT Jetfire I'd sure not be here today.

Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape THE BEAR by just walking at a brisk pace.
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[Buster]

 

[James48843]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.
I Just can’t take that chance!"

 

[James48843]

SIGNS!!!!!

Sign over a Gynecologist's office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

... **************************

in a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

at a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************

at an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

" Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

" Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

[nasa1974]

There are some good ones. Thanks for the smile.

 

[Mapper]

A sign I really saw in front of pool hall in Chicago.

Smoothest shafts and cleanest balls in town.

 

[konakathy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07tMmUavYqM

 

[Handballer]

James I will use this one next to my front door.

**************************

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

 

[James48843]

A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life."

The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land , but he had only traveled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him.

He turned to see that it was his best friend.

"What is the problem?" asked the knight.

His best friend replied: "You gave me the wrong key."

 

[konakathy]

LOL! So true!

 

[konakathy]

 

[nasa1974]

2 good ones. Thanks kona. When I find "THE RULES" I will post them. Better than the 9 deadly words.

 

[konakathy]

SEE! I knew there was a good reason to be an environmentalist!!!

 

[James48843]

If you want to see some good ones....go read the product reviews for this product.

I fell on the floor after reading these:


link:
Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml: Amazon.co.uk: Health & Beauty

 

[konakathy]

 

[nnuut]

If you want to see some good ones....go read the product reviews for this product.

I fell on the floor after reading these:

View attachment 18639
link:
Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml: Amazon.co.uk: Health & Beauty

That is funny, but only if it didn´t happen to you!

 

[konakathy]

 

[James48843]

Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
Potato, which they
Called
'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life.
They warned her about going
Out and getting
Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and
Get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
End up with a bunch of tater tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to
Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out
For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And
When she went out West, to
Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped...
Yam said she would stay on the straight and
Narrow and wouldn't associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all The trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for
Her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was
Going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. And Mrs.
Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't
Possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
Are you
Ready for this?

Are

You sure?

*

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OK!


Here it is!

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A


COMMONTATER

 

[James48843]

White House Correspondent's dinner:

 

[James48843]

First, read the article.

Then read the comments below.

Man sues BMW, alleging motorcycle seat gave him two-year erection | The Sideshow - Yahoo! News