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It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.
"Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."
 
Got this today via email:
Seems the thieves are getting to be smarter that the rest of us.
I drove myself and two co-workers to lunch Monday, 2/15/10. I chose a
parking spot in the rear of the lot and backed into a space (no pull through
available at location). This positioned my Chevy Avalanche with the
passenger side doors facing away from the rest of the lot and to the end of
the lot. I had a Sony digital camera lying on the console of my truck.. Upon
returning from lunch and entering the vehicle we noticed nothing wrong or
missing from the vehicle.
Tuesday around lunch time I needed the camera and could not locate it. My
first thoughts were, "I moved it or it fell to the floor mat or I removed it
from my truck." After searching feverishly for two days, questioning anyone
who had been close to my truck, and exhausting every possible location I
could have put it, I began to have that sinking feeling I lost it or someone
stole it. My new Garmin GPS had been in the truck the whole time, so I felt
as if someone had entered my vehicle they would have taken it also.
Fast forward to Wednesday, I approached my truck from the passenger side to
place my computer bag (aka my man purse) in the front passenger seat. As I
reached to open the door I noticed there was a hole right under my door
handle. My first thought was, "someone has shot my truck!" I began to think
about it and inspect it a little closer and the "light" slowly began to come
on. I phoned my friend who owns a body shop and asked if he had any vehicles
with damage to the doors that looked like a bullet hole. "Yes, I see it all
the time. Thieves have a punch and place it right under the door handle,
knock a hole through, reach in and unlock it, just as if they have a key. No
alarms, broken glass or anything."
I then placed a call to my insurance agent, who is also a friend, and
explained it to him. I proceeded to tell him the situation and how I was
puzzled that they left my GPS and all other belongings. Here is where it
gets scary! "Oh no, he said, they want the break-in to be so subtle that you
don't even realize it. They look at your GPS to see where "home" is. Now
they know what you drive, go to your home, and if your vehicle isn't there
they assume you aren't and break in your home." He says they will even leave
a purse or wallet and only take one or two credit cards. By the time you
realize there has been a theft, they may have already had a couple days or
more to use them. This is another reason they want the break-in to go
unnoticed. I didn't realize my situation for two full days! They even give
you the courtesy of re-locking your doors for you. I guess they don't want
it to be broken into by other thieves!
Had they found your check book, they could have taken checks from the middle
section so they wouldn't be noticed.
Please remove from your GPS unit your home address as "home" ASAP! Put in
your local Wal-Mart address or somewhere else! Park your vehicle in a
highly visible place. I positioned mine perfectly for them and didn't
realize it until it was too late. I hope this is beneficial to you and helps
you keep your valuables in your possession and your vehicle from damage.
Most importantly, it may keep the thieves from showing up at your home!
DO NOT LEAVE VALUABLES IN SIGHT INSIDE THE CAR. Periodically walk around
your car, daily if you are in a shopping center or other parking area.
Report thefts immediately....Bank w/missing check numbers, Credit card
agencies, Police, and Insurance Companies.
 
Did you ever wonder:...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why the third hand on a watch is called a Second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. Why the #2 pencil is used most, but not called #1?

5. Why do we say something is 'Out of whack'?...What is Whack?

6. Why does 'Slow Down' and 'Slow Up' mean the same thing?

7. Why does 'Fat Chance' and 'Slim Chance' mean the same thing?

8. Why do 'TUG boats' push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "take me out to the Ball Park' when we are already there?

10. Why are they called 'Stands' when they are meant for sitting?

11. Why is it called 'After Dark' when it's really 'After Light'?

12. Doesn't 'Expecting the Unexpected" make the Unexpected, expected?

13. Why are 'Wise Man' and 'Wise Guy' opposites?

14. Why are 'Overlook' and 'Oversee' opposites?

15. Why is 'Phonics' not spelled like it sounds?

16. If all the 'World is a 'Stage', then where is the audience sitting?

17. If 'Love is Blind', why is lingerie so popular?

18. If you are 'Cross-eyed' and have dyslexia, can you read alright?

19. Why is 'Bra' singular and 'Panties' plural?

20. Why do we put 'Suits in 'Garment bags", and garments in a 'Suitcases'?

21. Why do we drive on a 'Parkway' and park on a 'Driveway'?

22. How come 'Abbreviated' is such a long word?

23. Why do they call it a 'TV Set' when there is only one of them?

24. Why are there 'Braile Buttons' at a Drive through ATM?

25. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote, when you know the battery is dead?
 
Amazing Anagrams







PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS​

​



​


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE




ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE




AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
​
 
Phones in Church
(if this has been posted before, just consider it a clarification so the Proper State is being credited!):p
A man in Hoboken, New Jersey decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read Calls: $10,000 a minute. Seeking out the pastor he
asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago,
Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the
same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Arkansas. Upon entering a church in Jasper,
behold-he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'
Fascinated to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all
across the country and in each church I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling replied, "Son, you're in Arkansas now. You're in GOD'S country, it's a local call."
American by Birth - An Arkie by the grace of GOD
:D
 
Hell, my brother was driving home one night after drinking WAY too much and was stopped on a two lane country road way out in the woods and the officer asked him to walk the center line of the road which he was unable to do. He told the cop that he couldn't do that even if he was sober! So there you have it, drunks tell the truth!:laugh:
 
Buster said:
Amazing Anagrams

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
​
Click to expand...

Did you do these, Buster? They're really fascinating -yet they can make one suspicious of the originations if you study on it too long!!

;)And - isn't it strange - how occasionally some men's moms have such a hard time letting go & butting out ?! :p
 
HER DIARY
Sunday night – I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong – he said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.






HIS DIARY
Today the car wouldn’t start and I can’t figure it out yet, but at least I got laid.
 
Buster said:
HER DIARY
Sunday night – I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong – he said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.






HIS DIARY
Today the car wouldn’t start and I can’t figure it out yet, but at least I got laid.
Click to expand...


Are you stalking me to get your material. :D Vaguely resembles my life. :blink::nuts:
 
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