Black Humor (for RED days.)

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Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward

and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.

With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,
and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(bada bing...)
 
West Virginia Bar



A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,

expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers,

"It's okay boys. He's one of us."
 
“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth one."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks,

they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, so they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"




"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 
BASS PRO SHOP'S BLIND CASHIER

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."


 
We are in trouble....
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​
The
population of this country is 300 million.​

160
million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal Government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing TERRORISTS !!

Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the
work.

You and me.
NO Wait I'm RETIRED, that leaves YOU!

And thereyou are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..
 
[h=2]You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...[/h]
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
​
​
​
​
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
 
Subj: COLONOSCOPY.....THIS IS HYSTERICAL!

Get ready to laugh!!

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!


ABOUT THE WRITER


Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald


Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than
when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, “Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


And the best one of all:


12. 'Could you write a note for my spouse saying that my head is
not up there?'
 
I had my first one when I turned 60. After the procedure the doctor said I was fine but asked me to have another in 5 years, I told him that it took me 60 years to work up the courage to get the first one and it would probably take about the same time period for me to have a second.
nosepicker.gif​
 
My Favorite Animal


​
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..She sent me back to the principal's office.He laughed, and told me not to do it again.I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.I told her, "Colonel Sanders."Guess where I am now....
 
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied.. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied......'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically... 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
Blondes Are The Best!!!

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
 
[h=2]A collection of insults![/h]If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
 
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