Black Humor (for RED days.)

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Respectfully
moses.jpg
 
James48843 said:
THE POWER OF BEER
A man goes into a bar and drinks beer.
After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.
After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.

Then the man says: It's apicture of my wife.
When she looks good to me I'm going home.

That is an example of the "The Power of Beer"


Be sure to click where it says "click here" (That's the cute part)
> Click Here

Then push the beer glass to the right .

Click to expand...

Going to the right represents how many BEERS????? Maybe I should have one more just for good measures. :D
 
NEVER LOSE YOUR GRANDSON IN A MALL.

A HEARTWARMING STORY


My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tata's."


 
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Young batchelor invited a sunday school teacher he met out on a dinner date. While at dinner he asked if she would like to smoke one. Noted it would be fine with him and OK in the restaurant. She exclaimed, oh no, what would I tell my sunday school class? They continued their meal and he asked if she would like a glass of wine after dinner. She exclaimed again, oh no what would I tell my sunday school children? After dinner he was taking her home when they drove by a "no tell motel". He figured what the heck and asked if she would like to stop by. To his surprise she said absolutely! Well what will you tell the children he asked? Same thing I always tell them, she responded pertly, You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!:D
 
Old soldiers never die, they just fade away...
Click to expand...
Couldn't resist passing on this opinion piece that was sent to me this morning.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more
than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately
deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up
early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep
and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s.o.b.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we
put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for us old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years, as an excuse to get out of the
house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor
did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured
out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

No, let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts
with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are
already behind them.

Now that I think about it.....

***How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think Men have attitudes?
Click to expand...

Great thought.
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

At the end of the test, this "Bonus Question" appeared:

Bonus Question: Is HELL exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gass cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

Answer Submitted.....................
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time; So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exst in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not bhelong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell; With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponetially.

Now we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exathermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore extinct...leaving only Heaven..Thereby proving the existence of a diving being which explains why last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God".
Click to expand...

This student received the only "A".
 
They finally found it!:nuts:
[h=2]Administratrium, A New Element![/h]Administratrium, The New Element

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
​
 
Shampoo warning!

I just discovered this important info below. Please share with all yourfriends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!) Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this
warning: FOR EXTRAVOLUME AND BODY. No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!
 
grandma said:
Shampoo warning!

I just discovered this important info below. Please share with all yourfriends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!) Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this
warning: FOR EXTRAVOLUME AND BODY. No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!
Click to expand...

Funny!! Nice one grandma.
 
Children Are Quick
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Why are you late?
> STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
> ____________________________________
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> __________________________________________
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
> (I Love this child)
> ____________________________________________
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
> __________________________________
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
> WINNIE: Me!
> __________________________________________
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> _______________________________________
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
> MILLIE: I is..
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
> ________________________________
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
> but also admitted it.
> Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
> ______________________________________
> TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
> ______________________________
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
> Did you copy his?
> CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
 
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops..

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands~~

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
 
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