Black Humor (for RED days.)

Sort by newest Sort by date
What the HELL! That's the difference between us and wild animals, we get it right the first time!!:)
 
The economy is so bad that:
...I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail (bada bing....)
​
...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
​
"Can you afford fries with that?" (bada bing...)
​
...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
​
...If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
​
and
​
ask if they meant you or them. :D
​
...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.. (bada bing..)
​
...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
​
...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannnies and learned their children's names.
​
...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico
​
...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
​
...Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
​
...The Mafia is laying off judges.
​
...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
​
...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
​
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
​
And, finally...
​
...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. ​
 
James48843 said:
The economy is so bad that:
...I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail (bada bing....)
​
...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
​
"Can you afford fries with that?" (bada bing...)
​
...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
​
...If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
​
and
​
ask if they meant you or them. :D
​
...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.. (bada bing..)
​
...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
​
...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannnies and learned their children's names.
​
...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico
​
...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
​
...Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
​
...The Mafia is laying off judges.
​
...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
​
...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
​
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
​
And, finally...
​
...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. ​
Click to expand...

Sounds like all that hope and change ain't working out for you James. We tried to tell you.
 
Adding a couple more..

The economy is so bad that: I have to FART to get a scent in my pocket.

The economy is so bad that: I can't pay attention.
 
Church



One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."






"Why not?" she asked.







I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."






His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
 
I can't help but wonder.....

1. About those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. That there are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles,why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follows that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words'The' and 'IRS' together it spells....
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*

21. If Olive oil come from Olives, Corn oil comes from corn, Where does Baby oil come from?
 
Cardiologist and Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves
out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get $2,000,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic.......... "Try doing it with the engine running."
 
Buster said:
I can't help but wonder.....

1. About those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. That there are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles,why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follows that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words'The' and 'IRS' together it spells....
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*

21. If Olive oil come from Olives, Corn oil comes from corn, Where does Baby oil come from?
Click to expand...

OK, Buster, that was an EXcellent post! Will keep me going all day, any day-I just need to go back and re-read whenever I need a lighter moment. Especially the one about swimming pools, you have no idea how true that one is in NV restaurants. :laugh:
 
Last edited:
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


download


Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'
 
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. ​

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before
frozen foods​

Xerox​

contact lenses​

Frisbees and​

the pill​

There were no:​

credit cards​

laser beams or​

ball-point pens​

Man had not invented:​

pantyhose
air conditioners​

dishwashers​

clothes dryers​

and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and​

man hadn't yet walked on the moon​


Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.​

Every family had a father and a mother.​

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."​

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.​

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.​

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.​

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.​

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.​

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.​




Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.</SPAN>​

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.​




We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.​

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk ​

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam​

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.​

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.​

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.​

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.​

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.​

In my day:​

"grass" was mowed,​

"coke" was a cold drink,​

"pot" was something your mother cooked in and​

"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.​

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,​

" chip" meant a piece of wood,​

"hardware" was found in a hardware store and​

"software" wasn't even a word.​

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.​

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. and how old do you think I am?​

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!​

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.​

Are you ready ?????



This man would be only 59 years old.​
 
C'mon Buster, cute but we have all seen it before. The time line is distorted and the kid asked what Grampa thought, not what life was like when he was born. I seriously doubt a 59 year old remembers much about the big band era and likely had a tryst with Grandma before they were married in his or his parents car while listening to 3 dog night. All the things mentioned happened in this 59 year old's life time. If you are going to recycle old stuff, at least up date it.

From a 58 year old.:D:laugh:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

tsptalk
  • Article Article
TSP Talk - The first few days may be a tell for 2025
Replies
0
Views
323
tsptalk
tsptalk
RevShark
End-of-year tax planning notes - RevShark
Replies
2
Views
440
felinecrl
F
tsptalk
  • Article Article
TSP Talk - It looks like a do or die week for stocks
Replies
0
Views
302
tsptalk
tsptalk
tsptalk
  • Article Article
Big gains but also a big negative reversal
Replies
0
Views
197
tsptalk
tsptalk
tsptalk
  • Article Article
Stocks rally on tariff exemptions
Replies
0
Views
189
tsptalk
tsptalk
Back
Top