I need meds. I do take them for my back. They release seratonin and to allow my back muscles to lengthen and have free movement (Alexander Technique). The reason I need to release and lengthen my spine is because I had to deal with many people such as Steady described, pretty much right through life. Each one of them took their turn at making me feel 'small' and crumpeling my back. I lately learned that it was because I was set up from birth to be a receptor to these low lifes (long story).
I've thought a lot about this post ever since I read it. I aslo had numerous experiences prior to this one. Once I joined the Army and bulked up quite a bit and became 'The Ultimate Fighter' - then to the largest degree I was always ready and it was I who destoyed them. But they were simply assignments - yet I knew why I was sent.
But back to your comment -- I have to believe that you and I displayed immense 'innocence' and the most deeply genuine beautiful things -- and that more than anything else is what made us 'Targets'. As a child I could never understand why anyone would treat a person who deeply lived for love and peace the way things happened. So I would have to think you were a deeply wonderful person and were 'hated' not because you did 'bad things' but totally for the opposite.
If I'm right then I really feel for you and I hope you know I totally relate to that.
Now I live more guardedly but cannot help but reply to Steady's plight.
Sweet friend, I can tell you honestly do have a very sweet nature.
When I left the Army I was totally and completely a killer and that kind of mindset dominated my existence. I was very much a fighter and way more preferred using my body - than using a weapon. I enjoyed controlling energy - moving with power and speed and doing it quickly and silently. So when you talk about being 'guarded' man I was the absolute max.
Went straight from the Army to college and tried to find a place similar to the Bible College -- I went to prior to the Army and do whatever I could to get things right with God and put the Soldier stuff behind me. Hooked up with the 'Purest Woman' that probably ever lived - dated her and married her. I needed someone like her to all the more inspire me and motivate me to keep doing the right things until God's Spirit reigned and the Soldier faded away. But found after all these years it's not something you can 'turn off' so it's more in the background and very dormant -- and I believe God's Spirit has more taken control.
But my 'guards' were much more the walls that surrounded my heart and so many aspects of the pure and innocent life that long ago WERE my existence. I had no idea they were even there. To get to these walls you need to find a love and compassion and a depth and understanding that very few seem to have. I would say you totally need a woman's heart and all the things that deeply make her a woman. If you can honestly 'absord' her existence and pour your existence out for her to absorb -- then she will touch you in ways that finally deal with the walls and allow them to disappear.
Yet through everything I give God the praise and glory because I know in everything I am simply acknowledging His perfect design and the Love and Life God intended.
Hang in there, it get's better, especially after retirement.
That's my ultimate GOAL - to have all walls removed and everything healed and restored -- so that through my retirement I can both absorb and give all the richness and wonderful glories GOD deeply desired for me to enjoy and make known to everyone.
Drop the baggage that hinders growth. Hard to do yes, 2 steps forward, 1 step back.