Black Humor (for RED days.)

[OBGibby]

The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks.

Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from.


After the surgery.....
everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than ever ! All his
Friends and relatives raved about his youthful
appearance...especially his mother!

One day, while alone with his wife, and
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[Buster]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: (A) person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.
3. Intaxication: (O) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: (C) Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone: ( n) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy (a) Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffitii) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

 

[James48843]

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when
they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a
group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off
the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss
this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ...."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"


So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval
from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why
the hell are you committing suicide?"






"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."










It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[Buster]

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Jaguar XKR, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
​

​

​

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"





​

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

[Buster]

86 Year old beaver hunter

​

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,''Things are great and I've never felt better.''
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water''s edge. He realized he''d left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ''bang, bang''."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

[Buster]

A Blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The Blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the Blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the Blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the Blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Jaguar.”

 

[Buster]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

[Buster]

A Blonde in Church[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[TABLE="class: MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD="width: 100%"] [FONT=&quot]An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[nnuut]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and
an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.There
was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a
good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb
the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that
attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and
got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a
local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a
democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her
to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.


The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then
told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection
Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I
could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a
waste treatment facility. :laugh:

 

[Buster]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The busdriver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The busdriver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[TSP-roulette]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts her back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts him back 5 minutes later:
“Didn't work! Computer really screwed up now.”

 

[Buster]

IRISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Ireland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'hiv ye ever been f..ked lad?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘No’.

She said, 'Well - Ye will be when the tide comes in.'

 

[James48843]

 

[TSP-roulette]

Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?”

Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”

Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”

Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit.”

 

[Buster]

"I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART"


A group of a dozen women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't
remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are the replies:


1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children,
are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too.
What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the
car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f**k did you do
now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you
need?

9. Am I dreaming, who is this really?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

 

[nnuut]

 

[Buster]

OBAMA RATED 5TH BEST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY

From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama is rated as the 5th best President ever!

The publicity release said,"...after only 5 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever."

The details according to TEXAS A&M Study:

Reagan & Lincoln tied for first,

23 presidents tied for second,

17 other presidents tied for third,

Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and

Obama came in fifth!

 

[James48843]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share an experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social evening" out with friends.

Well, a couple days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather... nice red wine.


Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I might be over the limit. ...That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!


Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past!

I arrived home safely without incident.


This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before.

I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

 

[James48843]

For sale- "best of Craigslist"


http://nh.en.craigslist.org/grd/4218208723.html

 

[konakathy]

global warming...gotta love it!











Happy Huladays! Mele Kalikimaka!