Black Humor (for RED days.)

Sort by newest Sort by date
Ponderisms



1 ·I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2 ·There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3 ·Life is sexually transmitted.

4 ·Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5 ·The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6 ·Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7 ·Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8 ·Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9 ·All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10 ·In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal.

11 ·How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12 ·Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly thingsand drink whatever comes out'?

13 ·If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14 ·Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look there anyway?

15 ·If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16 ·If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17 ·Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18 ·Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19 ·Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
 
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'
 
A LESSON IN MARKETING


One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's former President Bill Clinton.

* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!
 
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.


"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
 
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh!t and pee'd in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
 
ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS.
​


AQUARIUS: JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18 YOU HAVE AN INVENTIVE MIND AND ARE INCLINED TO BE PROGRESSIVE. YOU LIE A GREAT DEAL. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU ARE INCLINED TO BE CARELESS AND IMPRACTICAL, CAUSING YOU TO MAKE MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE STUPID.

PISCES: FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20 YOU HAVE A VIVID IMAGINATION AND OFTEN THINK THAT YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED BY THE CIA OR MI5. YOU HAVE A MINOR INFLUENCE OVER YOUR ASSOCIATES AND PEOPLE RESENT YOU FOR FLAUNTING IT AT YOUR PEERS. YOU LACK CONFIDENCE AND ARE GENERALLY A COWARD. PISCES PEOPLE DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO LITTLE ANIMALS.

ARIES: MARCH 21-APRIL 19 YOU ARE THE PIONEER TYPE AND HOLD MOST PEOPLE IN CONTEMPT. YOU ARE QUICK TEMPERED, IMPATIENT AND SCORNFUL OF ADVICE. YOU ARE NOT NICE

TAURUS: APRIL 20-MAY 20 YOU ARE PRACTICAL AND PERSISTENT. YOU HAVE A DOGGED DETERMINATION AND WORK LIKE HELL. MOST PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE STUBBORN AND BULLHEADED. YOU ARE A COMMUNIST.

GEMINI: MAY 21-JUNE 20 YOU ARE A QUICK AND INTELLIGENT THINKER. PEOPLE LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BISEXUAL. HOWEVER, YOU ARE INCLINED TO EXPECT TOO MUCH FOR TOO LITTLE. THIS MEANS YOU ARE CHEAP. GEMINIS ARE KNOWN FOR COMMITTING INCEST

CANCER: JUNE 21-JULY 22 YOU ARE SYMPATHETIC AND UNDERSTANDING TO OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS. THEY THINK YOU ARE A SUCKER. YOU ARE ALWAYS PUTTING THINGS OFF. THAT IS WHY YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. MOST WELFARE RECIPIENTS ARE CANCER PEOPLE.

LEO: JULY 23-AUGUST 22 YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A BORN LEADER. OTHERS THINK YOU ARE PUSHY. MOST LEOS ARE BULLIES. YOU ARE VAIN AND DISLIKE HONEST CRITICISM. YOUR ARROGANCE IS DISGUSTING. LEO’S ARE KNOWN THIEVES.

VIRGO: AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22 YOU ARE THE LOGICAL TYPE AND HATE DISORDER. YOUR NIT-PICKING IS SICKENING TO YOUR FRIENDS. YOU ARE COLD AND UNEMOTIONAL AND SOMETIMES YOU FALL ASLEEP WHILE MAKING LOVE. VIRGO’S MAKE GOOD BUS DRIVERS.

LIBRA: SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22 YOU ARE ARTISTIC AND HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME WITH REALITY. IF YOU ARE A MAN, YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE QUEER. CHANCES FOR EMPLOYMENT ALONG THIS LINE AND MONETARY GAINS ARE EXCELLENT. ALL LIBRA’S DIE OF VENEREAL DISEASE.

SCORPIO: OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21 YOU ARE SHREWD IN BUSINESS AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED. YOU SHALL ACHIEVE THE PINNACLES OF SUCCESS BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY LACK ETHICS. MOST SCORPION’S ARE MURDERED.

SAGITTARIUS: NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21 YOU ARE OPTIMISTIC AND ENTHUSIASTIC. YOU HAVE A RECKLESS TENDENCY TO RELY ON LUCK, SINCE YOU LACK TALENT. THE MAJORITY OF SAGITTARIANS ARE DRUNKS AND DOPE FIENDS. PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU A GREAT DEAL.

CAPRICORN: DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19 YOU ARE CONSERVATIVE AND AFRAID OF TAKING RISKS. YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING AND ARE LAZY. THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A CAPRICORN OF ANY IMPORTANCE. CAPRICORN’S SHOULD AVOID STANDING TOO LONG AS THEY TEND TO TAKE ROOT AND BECOME TREES.
 
President Obama and his wife, Michelle, were getting ready to go to a masquerade ball. Michelle went upstairs to get ready while Barack busied himself with all sorts of ways he could continue to bypass the Constitution in pushing his agenda through, people or no people, Congress or no congress! He gazes up the stairwell and sees Michelle walking gracefully down the stairs—Wearing NOTHING but a lemon dangling, well... front and center.
“You’re not going like THAT, are you?” Howled Barack!
“Yes I am, and I’m sure to raise a lot of those people’s eyes!”
“But-but.” He stammered.
“No buts, this is how I’m going and that settles it—now you go get ready!”
Obama fumes and rushes upstairs into their bedroom, and several minutes later he comes out.
Michelle looks up at him and notices her husband is equally nude with one small exception.
He has a potato dangling over his private area, and that’s all.
“Is this just your way of getting even with me, Barack,” she demanded, “going like that!”
Barack glared down at her and replied:
“Why NOT? I think it only fitting that you go as a SOURPUSS, and I go as a DICTATOR!

(Note: they must have a refrig up in the bedroom I'm guessing...no wait that would be Michelle...LOL)
 
Q. What is a witch's best subject in school?
A. Spelling.

Q. How does a ghost tell you he made a mistake?
A. He says: "I made a BooBoo."

Q. Why aren't ghouls afraid of getting their computers hacked?
A. All their data is encrypted.

Q. What do you call a werewolf on the beach?
A. Sandy Claws. That must be why the stores stock for Christmas before Halloween.
 
Time for some more Halloween humor?

Q. How does a vampire express graditude?
A. He says: Fangs a lot!
 
You know you're getting old...

...when you feel like it's the morning after, and you didn't go anywhere the night before.
...when you look forward to a dull evening.
...when a little old lady helps you across the street, and it's your wife.
...when you get winded playing chess.
...when you sink your teeth into a thick steak, and they stay there.
...when everything that doesn't hurt doesn't work.
...when the gleam in your eyes is the sun hitting your bifocals.
...when your children are older than you remember your parents being when you were young.
...when your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.
...when you finally know all the answers, and nobody's asking you any questions.
...when the favorite part of the newspaper is the section under the heading "25 years ago today."
...when you sit down in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
...when your knees buckle but your belt won't.
...when your back goes out more often than you do.
...when you get excited and your pacemaker makes the garage door go up.
...when your house is too big, and the medicine cabinet is too small.
...when you wake up and realize that the best part of the day is over.
...when you figure that if God wanted you to touch your toes, He would have put them on your knees.
...when your spouse says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you say, "Honey, we can't do both."
...when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're not wearing shoes.
 
40 Things Never Said by a Redneck

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
 
Bet ya didn't know, maybe.
Early aircraft's throttles had a ball on the end of it,
In order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle allthe way
Forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls tothe wall"
For going very fast. And now you know, the rest of the story.
*********************************
During WWII , U.S. Airplanes were armed with belts of bulletswhich they
Would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These beltswere folded
Into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. Thesebelts measure
27 feet and contained hundreds of rounds of bullets. Oftentimes, the
Pilots would return from their missions having expended all oftheir bullets
On various targets. They would say, "I gave them the wholenine yards,"
Meaning they used up all of their ammunition.

*********************************
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's imagewas either
Sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showedhim standing
Behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showedboth legs and
Both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how manypeople were
To be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms andlegs are
'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hencethe
Expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artistsknow hands
And arms are more difficult to paint.)
******************************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twicea year (May
And October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shavedtheir heads
(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men couldafford good wigs
Made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean themthey would
Carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake itfor 30
Minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence theterm 'big
Wig. Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig'because someone
Appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
*********************************
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with onlyone
Chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall,and was used
For dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chairwhile
Everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest,who was
Usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during ameal. To sit
In the chair meant you were important and in charge. They calledthe one
Sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we usethe
Expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'
*********************************
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result,many women
And men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women wouldspread bee's
Wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. Whenthey were
Speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at anotherwoman's face
she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile,the wax
would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, whenthey sat too
close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression
'losing face.'
*********************************
More next post.
 
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and
dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.
*********************************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there wasa tax levied
when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace ofSpades.' To
avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.Yet, since
most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to bestupid or dumb
because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'
********************************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determinewhat the
people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV'sor radios,
the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, andbars. They
were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people'sconversations and
political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at differenttimes. 'You
go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' wereeventually
combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we havethe term
'gossip.'
**********************************
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint andquart-sized
containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customersand keep
the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and rememberwho was
drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence thephrase
'minding your 'P's and Q's'.
**********************************
One more: bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and manyfreighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. Itwas necessary
to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to preventthem from
rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was asquare-based
pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine,which rested
on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stackedin a small
area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem....howto prevent
the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.The solution
was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.However, if
this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rustto it. The
solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Fewlandlubbers
realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than ironwhen
chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, thebrass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballswould come right
off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough tofreeze the
balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that wasan improper
Expression, didn't you.)
 
Those are GREAT, Norm!! :D
They could almost be taken right from the pages of Paul Harvey (now you know the REST of the news!).
But the Monkey one was a real far-fetched one.....had to look it up on Snopes and ....well see for yourself at snopes.com: Brass Monkeys . :blink:
 
I heard that the one about minding Ps&Qs was about permitted hours. Britian had some strange laws about when you can and cannot serve alcohol. 1440 to 1600 was a no sale time IIRC. Of course this was many years ago.

FWIW, a member of Her Majesty's Royal Navy once told me the brass monkey tale was absolutely true. Probably right after saying "it's you turn yank, lets have another".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

tsptalk
  • Article Article
TSP Talk - The first few days may be a tell for 2025
Replies
0
Views
310
tsptalk
tsptalk
RevShark
End-of-year tax planning notes - RevShark
Replies
2
Views
409
felinecrl
F
tsptalk
  • Article Article
TSP Talk - It looks like a do or die week for stocks
Replies
0
Views
283
tsptalk
tsptalk
tsptalk
  • Article Article
Big gains but also a big negative reversal
Replies
0
Views
182
tsptalk
tsptalk
tsptalk
  • Article Article
Stocks rally on tariff exemptions
Replies
0
Views
173
tsptalk
tsptalk
Back
Top