Black Humor (for RED days.)

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MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

​
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
 
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman dressed in a very tight mini skirt was waiting for her bus. When it arrived and the line formed to get on, she realized that her skirt was too tight to allow her to step up into the bus. Embarrassed, and not wanting to hike her skirt up she smiled at the driver and reached around to loosen the zipper to allow her to get on. Still, she couldn’t quite make the stretch to get on the bus so she reached around to loosen her skirt just a bit more. Again, she couldn’t make the step. Now thoroughly embarrassed, red in the face, and knowing she was holding everyone else up, she reached back and unzipped it completely. About that instant, the burly Texan behind her picked her up around the waist and set her gently down on the top step of the bus. She spun around, totally indignant at this familiarity, and shouted at the would-be Good Samaritan, “How dare you touch me like that! I don’t even know you!”
“Well, Ma’am” he drawled, “ I wouldn’t usually do something like that to a stranger, but after you unzipped my pants three times, I kinda, figured we was friends.”
 
Lady takes her pet schnauzer to the vet thinking it was hard of hearing
The vet looks in the dogs ears and said the problem is the hairs are over grown in the ears, go to the drugstore the vet said and buy some Nair hair removal and put it in the ears and the dog will be fine,
She goes to the drugstore and ask for Nair hair removal, the guy behind the counter said if you use it under your arms I suggest that you don't wear deodorant for a week since it will irritate your arm pits,
She said it's not for under my arms
The druggist said if you are going to use it on your legs ,I suggest you don't wear pantyhose for a week since it will irritate your legs
The lady said it's not for my legs it's for my schnauzer,
Then I suggest you don't ride a bike for a week
 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol...Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' That pretty much ended the service!
 
Russ and Sam, two friends, meet in the park everyday to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

After Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and..lo and behold!.. there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. 'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
 
A woman meets a man at a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute,cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows,
covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount
of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle
shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way
along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to
have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side,but doesn't
mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe,
this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries
her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it for you ?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply
into her eyes, and says:


'Great....help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
 
1390637_309117235896251_777193019_n.jpg

:D
 
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .....


She said .... ......:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
 
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno."
 
One day in Court;

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, .... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... Why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
 
A guy is looking for a place to sit in acrowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if
I sit beside you?"

The girl repliedin a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the studentsin the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to theguy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what aman is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people inthe library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whisperedto her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
 
PUNOGRAPHY


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[TD] ·[FONT=&quot] I tried to catch some fog. I mist.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] When chemists die, they barium.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] A dyslexic man walks into a bra .[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] PMS jokes aren't funny, period.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Broken pencils are pointless.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Velcro - what a rip off![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Venison for dinner? Oh deer![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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·[FONT=&quot] I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
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TOOLS and their USE

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while inuse.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool you will need.
 
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