Black Humor (for RED days.)

[OBGibby]

Thought for the day:


We are always hearing about how Social Security is going to run out of money....How come we never hear about Welfare running out of money?

 

[Buster]

The reason why babydiapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies",while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

__________________

 

[Buster]

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he
keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and
peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That's good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."

 

[Buster]

---

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and
decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would
open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the
proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr.
Jones: Hysteria's and Posteriors. The town council was livid and
insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This
was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read
Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic
Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt
resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So
they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still
no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's
end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -
Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

 

[Buster]

---

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later that day his mother noticed him lying down, curled up on the floor as though he were ill. She said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife!"

 

[Buster]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

__________________

 

[Buster]

Geriatric Sex...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Buster]

THE TOILET SEAT


My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on
our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower.

Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to
stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued
her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in
desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital
emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well,
Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[Buster]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6.. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11 You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13.. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

18. When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree.

 

[Buster]

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[Buster]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read,"Free Sex with Fill-Up."


Soon a local redneck, Billy Ray, pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.


The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,"You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."


A week later, Billy Ray, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.


The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Billy Ray guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."


As they were driving away, Billy Ray said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."


Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

 

[Buster]

I bought a new Ford F350 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure, it runs on either
hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. I returned to the dealer yesterday because I
couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the
radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio. The
radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he said and 'On the Road Again' came
from the speakers. Then he said 'Ray Charles!' and in an instant 'Georgia
On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next
few days, every time I'd say 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, some
guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck. But I swerved to avoid
him. I yelled 'A$$ Hole!' Immediately the radio responded with, 'Ladies and
Gentlemen, The President of The United States ...'

Damn I love this truck

 

[Buster]

The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "what do you think of all the white man has done?" The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. Not taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

[Buster]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

(Side note: I'm actually 6'3")

 

[Buster]

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....





Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'





Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my pantie-hose off '

 

[Buster]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old manuscripts by hand. He notices that they are copying copies and not the original books.

So the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this---He points out that if there was an error in the first copy the error would be continued in all the others.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries my son, but you make a good point." So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later no one has seen him----

So one of the monks goes down into the cellar to find him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk "what's wrong" and in a choked voice the old monk replied----

"The word is "Celebrate"

 

[Buster]

Three nuns were attending a Yankee baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, "I want to move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.

The third guy yelled, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."

The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell. There aren't any nuns there."

 

[Buster]

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington...

__________________

 

[Buster]

---

Best Divorce Letter Ever

His Letter to Her:

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P..S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Her Response to Him:

Dear Ex -Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[Buster]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.