Black Humor (for RED days.)

[nnuut]

 

[nnuut]

This is really funny!

 

[Handballer]

My car was new in 1987. I'm in need of a test drive.

 

[remark]

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 

[nnuut]

Cajun Taxi Driver

Think about this after you read it...not ONE THING politically incorrect in
what the Cajun Taxi driver says! He just speaks the truth!

An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Houma, Louisiana...
Once he is seated, he asks the Cajun taxi driver to turn off the radio
because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion. And, in the time
of the Prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is music
of the infidels. And, there was CERTAINLY no radio.

So the taxi driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the curb,
gets out and opens the back door. The Arab asks him, "What are you DOING,
man?!"

The Cajun answers, "In da time of da Prophet dere weren't no taxis. So you
get ya ass out and wait fa a camel!"
Gotta LOVE those Cajuns!!!!!!!!

 

[OBGibby]

If the enemy is in range, so are you. - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - Infantry Sgt.

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Infantry Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him." - Infantry Journal

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." - Unknown

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene
of the crash." -Multi-Engine Training Manual

"Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club." - Unknown

"If you hear me yell, 'Eject, Eject, Eject!' the last two will be echoes. If you stop to ask 'Why?',
you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot." - Pre-flight briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot

Never trade luck for skill. - Unknown

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash
truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

 

[remark]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!:nuts:

 

[OBGibby]

Wife: 'Whatare you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.


Wife: 'Nothing?You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

[OBGibby]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a
frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'Thatwas for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants
pocket.Theman then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jennywas the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is
watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,
knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'.

 

[James48843]

We just want to thank the DoD for all the support.

Apparently- some of those family members have been reading "Duffleblog" and taking it seriously.

(It's a satire site)

Related: http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/03/dod-to-charge-admission-fee-for-installations-access-to-fix-budget-shortfalls/

 

[remark]

John was always the first one to buy any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and smacked her out of her chair........:laugh:

 

[nnuut]

Please HELP my friend.:suspicious:

 

[remark]

THE REDNECK VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they
could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said
the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in
Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas ,
Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia and Washington DC .....

 

[James48843]

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly
offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink
envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the
next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering
was collected and saw an elderly woman put the
distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went
on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends
me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is
a lot, are you sure you can afford this?
How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea
they made that much money," the pastor said.
"Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada... He has
two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

​

Enjoy life... It has an expiration date!​

​

 

[James48843]

 

[OBGibby]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's
lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction
with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about
to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around
here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel,
hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just
when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and
treachery! Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[nnuut]

COSMIC LAWS
One of my own: If you jump out of the Market it will surely change to the up side the very next day!:nuts:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands becomecoated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have topee...
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to theleast accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched isdirectly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, younever get a busy signal - and someone always answers.
6.Variation Law - If you impatiently change lines, when standing, or trafficlanes, while driving, the one you were in will always move faster thanthe one you moved to.... (works every time)
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability ofmeeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someoneyou don't want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someonethat a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
10.Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch isinversely proportional to the reach.
11.Law of the Theater &Hockey Arena - At any given event,the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go forfood, beer, or the restroom and who leave early before the end of theperformance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early,never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to thebitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your bosswill ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they willhave adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of anopen-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directlycorrelated with the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IFyou don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit,they're ugly.
17.Olivers Law of Public Speaking -A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as youfind a product that you really like—they will stop making it.
19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to thedoctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But, don't make anappointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

[clogletn]

Sent to me by a friend;

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........



The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

 

[konakathy]

[TABLE="class: yiv499226497MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD][TABLE="class: yiv499226497MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD]

"Ole Blue"​

​

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Alabama
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.​

​

[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]


[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[OBGibby]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
black mask over our eyes. We agreed to
meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when myboyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tallstilettos and a black mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate
love all nightlong.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a black mask over my
eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started
to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos and a black mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and
saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"