Black Humor (for RED days.)

[konakathy]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, Well now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!' Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

:laugh:

 

[James48843]

[video=youtube;Xn_R5_FXT_0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xn_R5_FXT_0[/video]

 

[Buster]

One day in class the teacher asked the question: There are 3 birds on a phone wire in the country, then one flew away, how many birds are there left?

Little Johnny in the back of the room said loud and proud; ' you ain't got none left', after which the teacher said; 'you're wrong Johnny, does anybody else have the correct answer?'..Then this smug little spoiled brat girl said..'there are only two left teacher'..to which the teacher said ..'of course my dear you are so correct'..'So now little Johnny, why did you say that there were none left?'..To which Johnny assuredly replied;..Teach, I live in the country and when one damn bird flies , they ALL fly'...to which the teacher said;...Well you are still wrong, but I like the way you think...Well, this pissed off little Johnny to no end..So the next day Little Johnny had a question for the teacher...'hey Teach, if there were 3 ladies sitting on a park bench, and they were all eating an Ice cream cone, one of them was licking it, one of them was chomping it, and the last one was sucking it..Which one could you tell was married?'..The teacher hesitated a bit and then said;..'well if I had to guess, I would say the lady that was sucking it'...Johnny then jumped to feet and yelled;..'WRONG!!!! it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think'....


bada-boom

 

[nnuut]

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a daywhich puts your spending each month at $900.In one year, it would be $10,800correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend
$10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drunk, that moneycould have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought aFerrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Then where's your fxxkin' Ferrari?

 

[Buster]

Since we are playing with numbers (oh by the way...notice SINCE is not spelled Sense)

Anyway...Norm you have at the time of this posting, 333 likes..that is 1/2 of 666...are you just a little devilish half the time?:toung:

 

[remark]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They get back to his place and she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:








'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

 

[nnuut]

Since we are playing with numbers (oh by the way...notice SINCE is not spelled Sense)

Anyway...Norm you have at the time of this posting, 333 likes..that is 1/2 of 666...are you just a little devilish half the time?:toung:

Half Bad isn't Bad for me, I only do the best I can Since I retired.:laugh:

 

[NiteFlyer]

This is one I made up about 20 years ago and the first part of it was in the recent movie "Teddy" (I think).

What's the difference between a French Kiss and an Australian Kiss?

Well, they're really the same except an Australian Kiss is done "down under".

I told this for years and then someone came back with, "Oh, I get it, Australia, down under, outback".

I said, "No, no, no, out back would be Greek."

 

[remark]

WARNING!!! before you cut your grass


Just wanted to let you know I have new electric fence. Tested it out 2 days ago and that it works great!


I had the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the old fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

Two days ago I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of ch!t lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences......but Dad always had those pieces of ch!t chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'D@mn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumb**ch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

 

[nasa1974]

WARNING!!! before you cut your grass


Just wanted to let you know I have new electric fence. Tested it out 2 days ago and that it works great!

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

Great story. I hate to admit it, but I laughed so hard my sides hurt.

 

[remark]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Dick's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

 

[OBGibby]

Husband takes the wife to a disco.






There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.





​

The wife turns to her husband and says:





“See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”





Husband says:





“Looks like he's still celebrating!!!”

 

[OBGibby]

Whorehouse Union Rules[TABLE="class: MsoNormalTable"]
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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable,

hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.



"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.”














[/TD]
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[/TD]
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[remark]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'



Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!:toung:

 

[konakathy]

Colonoscopy


All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.






"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."




"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen
all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and
give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to
see where it goes."




"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
..
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

 

[remark]

Last night, Franne and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.:suspicious:

 

[OBGibby]

THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called -
The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -
Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -








Generation Y.










Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?







Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?






Y should I do anything when I can get it all for FREE?



But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...

Just thought you might want to know "Y" we ended up with OBAMA for four more years!!!!

 

[nnuut]

Last night, Franne and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.:suspicious:

Bitch!

 

[Buster]

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

 

[OBGibby]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the
bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is
his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's
head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited
money!"

"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new 65-foot yacht.

HE paid for your season tickets for the Dodgers.

HE paid for our home in Palm Springs on the new golf
course.

HE paid for your USA golf tour.

Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.


He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you
do?"



The cabby replies, "I'd cover them up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."