Black Humor (for RED days.)

[remark]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers??!!

 

[James48843]

farm girl looking for romance......

This may be too hot for some of you, but what the heck . . .


Click here: http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf <http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf>


Hey! I doubt that she's 17 years old like she claims.

 

[nnuut]

I've seen worse.:laugh:

 

[Buster]

When you have an erection lasting more than four hours?


Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only
pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no
male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that
it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing
with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was
completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of
professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to
discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four
hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I
was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is
the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company
pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 per month in living expenses

 

[remark]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.? The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!

 

[James48843]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender asks "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano and sets it on the counter.

He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Before long, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

 

[OBGibby]

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

[OBGibby]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

[James48843]

 

[OBGibby]

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

[James48843]

 

[James48843]

‎50 Shades of grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down ...and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

Kevin answers: "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!


She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . Here I am !

 

[nnuut]

Yes this is funny, in a way.
Subject: Timeless quotes...somebeen around, some haven't
Some wisdom here!
1. In my manyyears I have come to a conclusion: that one useless man is a
shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. ~ John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed. ~ Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member ofCongress.
But then I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperityis like a man
standing in a bucket& trying to lift himself up by the handle.
~ Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend onthe
support of Paul. ~ George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ~ G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheepvoting on
what to have for dinner. ~ James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor peoplein
rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey andcar
keys to teenage boys. ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybodyendeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else. ~ Frederic Bastiat, French Economist
(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a fewshort
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it. ~ Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government andreport the facts.
~ Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you seewhat it
costs when it's free! ~ P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as muchmoney as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ~ Voltaire
(1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn'tmean
politics won't take an interest in you! ~ Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty or property is safe while theLegislature is in
session. ~ Mark Twain (1866 )

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. ~ Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. ~ Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery. ~ Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is thatthe
taxidermist leaves the skin. ~ Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of follyis
to fill the world with fools. ~ Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher
(1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminalclass. Save
Congress. ~ Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
~ Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, isstrong
enough to take everything you have. ~ Thomas Jefferson

 

[remark]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shouda bought a hat, Bert. Shouda bought a hat."

 

[nnuut]

The Husband Store

A storethat sells new husbands has opened here in Hawaii, where a woman may go tochoose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description ofhow the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of theproducts increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may chooseany item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, butyou cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor thesign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,'she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and HelpWith Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, shegoes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help withHousework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the signreads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on thisfloor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible toplease. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges,the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the samerules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[OBGibby]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!!!

 

[konakathy]

 

[remark]

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...



HOW MANY ?




WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's.


The brain cannot process "OF".


Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

 

[Handballer]

I give up.

 

[James48843]

A CEO, a corporate lawyer and an office worker find themselves trapped in the company elevator.

They’re stuck for hours, and, given their situation, their talk turns to thoughts of death.

They start musing about being in a casket, their friends and family gathered around—and what they’d like to be said about them.


The CEO says, “I’d like people to say what a brilliant executive I was and, underneath my gruff and demanding exterior, that I was a really nice guy.”

The lawyer says, “I’d like people to say that I was a good person, that I never took advantage of anybody, and that I deeply loved my family.”




The worker says.... “I’d like them to say: Look, he’s moving!”