Some of them did James, thanks. :laugh:
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- Thread starter James48843
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Some of them did James, thanks. :laugh:
grandma
Well-known member
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid idiot was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
alevin
Well-known member
Just now browsing through B&N Bookstore on-line, saw an ad for `Inside of a dog' by Horowitz.
- reminded me of a Groucho Marx line:
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog it is too dark to read....
:laugh: Nice! I need to find some Groucho clips online and watch them. more laughs, more better.
Buster
Well-known member
One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV, Grandma. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup' ".
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks thepharmacist for some arsenic. He says,What do you want with arsenic? She replies, I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman.The pharmacist says, I can't sell youarsenic so you can kill your husband, lady - not even if he is cheating on you with another woman. The womanreaches into her pocket, and pulls out apicture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says, Oh, I didn't realize you hada prescription.
konakathy
Well-known member
Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength, he swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times.
The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools, he made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, he almost died 3 times.
The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a girl, walked 4 yards, and crossed the bridge.
I bet she wasn't blonde. OH! Wait! Did I say that out loud? Dang it! I got to stop thinking out loud.
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
Albert Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 130 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriagefailed in 1919.
At the time he stated that he wasa ttracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed"
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNAconnection.
This came to be known as....
Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty
burrocrat
Well-known member
James48843
Well-known member
Buster
Well-known member
Buster
Well-known member
[h=6]A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
A blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"[/h]
SteelSaving
Member
A drunk stumbles into a bar. He says to the bartender "If I show you the most amazing thing in the world, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender, thinking he has nothing to lose, says "Sure, why not?"
The drunk pulls out a tiny piano and places a frog at the bench. The frog then proceeds to play 'It Don't Mean a Thing' to the amazement of the bartender. He pours the drunk a beer.
A few minutes later, after the drunk finishes his beer, he says to the bartender "Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you give me another drink?"
The bartender tells him "Buddy, if you show me something better then that, drinks are on the house all night."
The drunk then produces a rat which he sits next to the frog. The frog starts up again while the rat scats to the music. The bartender can't pour them fast enough.
A few minutes later, a businessman comes up to the two guys and tells them he had been looking at them from across the bar and asks if he can buy the act. The drunk slurs "Sorry friend, they're not for sale." The businessman pleading, offers him $10,000.00 for the set. The drunk refuses. The businessman then offers $5,000.00 just for the singing rat. The drunk thinks for a moment then takes the deal. The businessman leaves with the rat while the drunk proudly puts away his money.
The bartender says "Are you crazy? That act is worth millions? Why would you give half of it up for $5,000.00?!?!"
The drunk says "Relax, the frog's a ventriloquist."
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.
Will said -
"Never squat while wearing your spurs"
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from badjudgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he startedroaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it's such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
He also said,
"You wouldn't worry so much what people thought about you ifyou knew how seldom they did."
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Frixxxx
Moderator
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
Just cause some of you need it - Sorry if it is a repeat!
Buster
Well-known member
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex...'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
This is for all of you whowonder what I do all day long:
Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses toretire?
Answer: NNUUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want tostore stuff there. Or move back in there . . .
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break…spiked !
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses thepeople he worked with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
James48843
Well-known member
THE POWER OF BEER
A man goes into a bar and drinks beer.
After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.
After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.
Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife.
When she looks good to me I'm going home.
That is an example of the "The Power of Beer"
Be sure to click where it says "click here" (That's the cute part)
> Click Here
Then push the beer glass to the right .
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