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Or you can now use TapaTalk again!Black Humor (for RED days.)
- Thread starter James48843
- Start date
Buster
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 109
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
PessOptimist
Market Veteran
- Reaction score
- 58
Thanks Buster. Particularly funny to me after doing genealogy research this week.
PO
eccougar
Analyst
- Reaction score
- 12
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned.Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it --mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..
13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally gota job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
grandma
Market Veteran
- Reaction score
- 38
Buster - I shared this with an elderly (>85yo) friend, apologizing that I couldn't provide a `family portrait.'
She responded that was okay, she knew she'd already met that family somewhere along the way....
Buster
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 109
Buster - I shared this with an elderly (>85yo) friend, apologizing that I couldn't provide a `family portrait.'
She responded that was okay, she knew she'd already met that family somewhere along the way....
I'm glad some gotta kick out of this old joke..I heard it many years ago and just came across it again...wanted to share..
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a minute...then replied:
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays. . .
but on Fridays, I go fishing!'
Buster
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 109
Warning: Some F-BOMBS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gqn5KD1SyJYLast edited:
RealMoneyIssues
TSP Legend
- Reaction score
- 100
Thanks for the morning smile Buster, that was pretty darn good (despite the language)
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
Uh-oh.
Her? Or the Car?
Marriage failing, so he has to jettison both his wife, and his nice 2010 Camaro. The car's gotta go- lawyer's fees ahead, you know?
True ad!
Due to circumstance, an eBay seller has posted his 2010 Chevrolet Camaro SS up for sale with only 9,500 miles on it. The twist here is that he compares his soon-to-be-missed muscle car to his soon-to-be-ex wife. Man, I'm glad it's not me. Wait till you read what he says in comparing this nice Camaro for sale, to his soon-to-be ex-wife:
For a good laugh, read this.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170650112633&c&clk_rvr_id=244900654660
Buster
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 109
Too late there Jimbo...And why all the narative?..we can read too ya know
http://www.tsptalk.com/mb/showthread.php?8806-This-and-That&p=321241#post321241
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
- Reaction score
- 210
Amazing Home Remedies that actually work!:laugh:
"THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!"
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLESWHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT for the day: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the
warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's
sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his
legs became sunburned beyond belief.
He could hardly stand the pain.
He decided to go to the local doctor for treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster colored legs and shook
his head. "You must realize that this is only a small
village medical facility," he explained.
"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However,
try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave
him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn ...
what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"
"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but
it will keep the sheets off your legs."
:embarrest:
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
A TRIP TO ITALY
--- A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to
End her life by throwing herself into the ocean,
But just before she could throw herself from the docks,
A handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor,
And we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
Wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small
But comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches,
A bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
During a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added,
"Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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