Black Humor (for RED days.)

[CountryBoy]

Check out line at Wal-Mart

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Big W and standing in line to check out. A person behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

 

[Birchtree]

Geesus I laughed for several minutes.

 

[Viva_La_Migra]

Check out line at Wal-Mart

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Big W and standing in line to check out. A person behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!:laugh:

 

[Buster]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========​

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
2) Stop and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11..
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil..
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20..00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!​

 

[grandma]

Buster, THAT was funny !:laugh:

 

[James48843]

You're not going to believe this- but it's true-

I just spent the last hour changing the oil on my tractor- and now I am driving up to the autoparts store again to buy a copper washer (dropped and lost the old one in the grass when taking out the drain plug) and another quart of oil- because I only had 4, and it takes 5.

I am not kidding.

 

[James48843]

And I had to use a crescent wrench because I couldn't find my box-end wrench. I am not kidding.

Buster - you floor me.

 

[Buster]

And I had to use a crescent wrench because I couldn't find my box-end wrench. I am not kidding.

Buster - you floor me.

We men are all alike my friend

 

[alevin]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-parks-closed-for-annual-remajestification,17484/

for those of you hitting the road for a favorite Nat. Park this weekend...watch out for the skunk washers! :nuts:

 

[XL-entLady]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-parks-closed-for-annual-remajestification,17484/

for those of you hitting the road for a favorite Nat. Park this weekend...watch out for the skunk washers! :nuts:

Allie, that one made me laugh out loud! People really don't understand that our National Parks are natural places. One time a woman chewed me out over the phone because the NPS had made Dinosaur National Monument too far away from interstates. I wanted to tell her that the next time we had a dinosaur die-off we'd make sure it was closer to a highway.

 

[Buster]

What's a Skunk Washer?..that's a new one for me..

 

[grandma]

What's a Skunk Washer?..that's a new one for me..

Are you sure you aren't just feigning innocence..?
...that you haven't been on the receiving end...
........at some time in your adult manly life ?? :nuts::laugh:

 

[Buster]

Are you sure you aren't just feigning innocence..?
...that you haven't been on the receiving end...
........at some time in your adult manly life ?? :nuts::laugh:

No..really, I'm being sincere...

Now I'm really intrigued..must wiki this:nuts:

 

[grandma]

Well, considering the different activities of the variety of
National Park Employees getting ready for the summer tourists:

as noted in TheOnion.com article -

it would seem `skunk washer' would be quite appropriate for the forestry service; most probably start with the parents, and let them teach and do by example the offspring....

:toung:

 

[alevin]

Poor Buster, :laugh: my sense of humor was at play. You've got to read the article-only then will you get it. At least I HOPE you do. If not, we definitely got to get you outdoors more often after you've retired. And off the ORV on foot.

 

[Buster]

Poor Buster, :laugh: my sense of humor was at play. You've got to read the article-only then will you get it. At least I HOPE you do. If not, we definitely got to get you outdoors more often after you've retired. And off the ORV on foot.

From the gist of it..you must be talking about getting sprayed by a Skunk...Well my dear ladies, I have learned from an early age never to mess with a Skunk or get close enough to one for them to spray me...So I guess the laugh is on you all..Because I'm smart enough to know when to stay away from them critters.

 

[James48843]

Is "skunk washer" one of those "other duties as assigned"?

 

[XL-entLady]

Is "skunk washer" one of those "other duties as assigned"?

Yes, just like turning the wheel that starts and stops Old Faithful. :laugh:

 

[grandma]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REQRHdMRimw

forgive me if I'd posted this at another time...

 

[grandma]

$74.42/3months, that's not a bad grocery bill ---

http://www.funpic.hu/en.picview.php?id=38952&c=-1&s=dd&p=1