Black Humor (for RED days.)

[Viva_La_Migra]

I might swing'em, I wouldn't do that to a cat.

You only swing the dead ones, right?

 

[McDuck]

 

[Buster]

Veedy Interestining...

 

[CountryBoy]

You only swing the dead ones, right?

Yeah, you every try to swing a live one. :blink:

 

[McDuck]

Man Distracted by Bird Drives Bugatti Into Marsh

 

[Scout333]

Yeah, you every try to swing a live one. :blink:

I remember putting out a box trap when I was about 9 and catching a feral cat. Lots of fun trying to get him out of the trap and into a burlap sack! I remember telling everyone in the neighborhood I had trapped a wildcat. Plenty mad and wild but not a wildcat! Never did try to swing him though.

 

[Viva_La_Migra]

Yeah, you every try to swing a live one. :blink:

Kinda. When I was a kid my Aunt and Uncle had cat. I'm allergic to them, so I tried to stay away from it, but the little bastard attacked me when I was walking by. He had a hold of my jacket sleeve and I was spinning around trying to get him to let go. He eventually let go and went flying into the pool!:laugh: He stayed away from me after that.

 

[Buster]

One day in Court....


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________ _ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
_______________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 

[Buster]

One day in the Cockpit....

(Problem) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(Solution) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(Problem) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(Solution) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(Problem) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(Solution) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(Problem) Something loose in cockpit
(Solution) Something tightened in cockpit

(Problem) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(Solution) Evidence removed

(Problem) DME volume unbelievably loud
(Solution) Volume set to more believable level

(Problem) Dead bugs on windshield
(Solution) Live bugs on order

(Problem) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(Solution) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(Problem) IFF inoperative
(Solution) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(Problem) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(Solution) That's what they're there for

(Problem) Number three engine missing
(Solution) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(Problem) Aircraft handles funny
(Solution) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "flyright", and be serious

(Problem) Target Radar hums
(Solution) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

 

[Buster]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural
Texas on the opening day of deer season. They both spotted a large
trophy class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised
his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and stood with his
head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the
deer was gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most
sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to
escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's
dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example
to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years:laugh:
[/FONT]

 

[Buster]

That would probably be fun...

 

[burrocrat]

nice one,

see you in jail, bring the leftover quail ala king, we'll make a meal of it.

 

[mick504]

They can really dig in with those sharp teeth!

 

[Buster]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
( Don 't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.


(30 minutes...Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds...
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...!)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


(God love that pig!)

 

[nnuut]

"That's funny, I don't care who you are, that's funny right there now." (Larry the Cable Guy):laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

[Birchtree]

Better still, a 40 year old woman is insatiable - that's what I want, forget the pig.

 

[Buster]

Louisiana Ghost Story ( a true story)
>>
>> This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of
>> Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while it
>> sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
>>
>> An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the
>> side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in
>> the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It
>> was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
>>
>> Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly,
>> approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently
>> crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in
>> the car and closed the door.
>>
>> Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no
>> sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
>>
>> Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to
>> think of jumping out and running.. He saw that the car was approaching a
>> sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg
>> for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the
>> bayou and he would then drown!
>>
>> But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window,
>> reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around
>> the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window
>> and Saul was alone again.
>>
>> Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they
>> reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could
>> take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.
>>
>> Wet and in shock, he went into bar called Fishermen's Point. Voice
>> quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody
>> about his supernatural experience.
>>
>> The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
>> Saul was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
>>
>> About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Fisherman's
>> Point and one says to the other, "Look, Boudreaux, ....deers dat idiot
>> what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"

 

[McDuck]

a 40 year old woman is insatiable

Yeah? What's her name and phone number?

 

[McDuck]

I question the accuracy of some of this information. (Sorry Buster. I still think you're an all-right guy.)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
( Don 't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.


(30 minutes...Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds...
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...!)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


(God love that pig!)

 

[McDuck]

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

from wikipedia:
As with other cats, the male lion's penis has spines which point backwards. Upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female's vagina, which may cause ovulation. A lioness may mate with more than one male when she is in heat; during a mating bout, which could last several days, the couple copulates twenty to forty times a day and are likely to forgo eating.