Black Humor (for RED days.)

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I Played For a Homeless Man Funeral

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
 
TSP-roulette-you had me there, teary and all. Too bad the guitarist didn’t find the right place.

As a person in my younger days who lowered many caskets in to “vaults” or “grave liners” as the cheap ones were called and put many “vault lids” on where there were no persons present other than the burial crew this touched me. No offense meant. It is funny especially to any of us who buried vaults or septic tanks.

PO
 
PessOptimist said:
TSP-roulette-you had me there, teary and all. Too bad the guitarist didn’t find the right place.

As a person in my younger days who lowered many caskets in to “vaults” or “grave liners” as the cheap ones were called and put many “vault lids” on where there were no persons present other than the burial crew this touched me. No offense meant. It is funny especially to any of us who buried vaults or septic tanks.

PO
Click to expand...
Well said PO, comment is much appreciated. It's been tough in my neck of the woods this year in attending homeless Vets funerals, all they have is us Veterans to see to their burial. Losing too many brothers at a rapid rate this year. God bless them.
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man anda woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continentaltrain.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy oversharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in theupper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently wokethe woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you bewilling to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfullycold."

"I have a better idea," she replied,"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied, "Get yourown f 'ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Theend…..
 
The Devil's Financial Dictionary
by Jason Zweig
​

Synergy, n. Often, the only thing one company gets when it buys another...

Rumor, n. The Wall Street equivalent of a fact.

Safe, adj. A term used to promote any investment that is about to explode.

Risk, n. The chance that you don't know what you are doing when you think you do; the prerequisite for losing more money in a shorter period of time than you could ever imagine possible...

Long-Term, adj. On Wall Street, a phrase used to describe that begins approximately thirty seconds from now and ends, at most, a few weeks from now.

Plus, conj. Minus. When added to the name of a mutual fund or portfolio strategy, this word almost always signifies the subtraction of something from investors’ results. An “income plus” fund, for instance, typically yields income plus losses. An “index plus” fund generally produces the results of an index portfolio plus greater risk. The use of the word “plus” does, however, accurately indicate the addition of higher fees by the company marketing the investment.

Idiot, n. See Day-Trader

Day-Trader, n. See Idiot

INDIVIDUAL INVESTOR, n. Someone who, without wise advice, is likely to ruin a small portfolio, generally $1 million or less. See INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR, n. Someone who, without wise advice, is likely to ruin a large portfolio, generally $10 million or more. See INDIVIDUAL INVESTOR.

IRRATIONAL, adj. A word you use to describe any investor other than yourself.

Patience, n. A quality found among lower life forms such as snails & tortoises, but rarely among humans who invest in financial assets.

Thrift, n. The obsolete practice of spending less money than you earn, once believed to be a virtue, now regarded as a disturbing form of deviant behavior.


For more, check out the source here: » DictionaryJason Zweig

or the book here: » The Devil’s Financial DictionaryJason Zweig
 
Those were priceless. I may have to refer back to them regularly until the primaries and over. got to say I laughed harder at the Repub one, think there was more creative interps on display there, maybe due to more opportunities? :laugh:
 
Cactus said:
The Devil's Financial Dictionary
by Jason Zweig
​

Synergy, n. Often, the only thing one company gets when it buys another...

Rumor, n. The Wall Street equivalent of a fact.

Safe, adj. A term used to promote any investment that is about to explode.

Risk, n. The chance that you don't know what you are doing when you think you do; the prerequisite for losing more money in a shorter period of time than you could ever imagine possible...

Long-Term, adj. On Wall Street, a phrase used to describe that begins approximately thirty seconds from now and ends, at most, a few weeks from now.

Plus, conj. Minus. When added to the name of a mutual fund or portfolio strategy, this word almost always signifies the subtraction of something from investors’ results. An “income plus” fund, for instance, typically yields income plus losses. An “index plus” fund generally produces the results of an index portfolio plus greater risk. The use of the word “plus” does, however, accurately indicate the addition of higher fees by the company marketing the investment.

Idiot, n. See Day-Trader

Day-Trader, n. See Idiot

INDIVIDUAL INVESTOR, n. Someone who, without wise advice, is likely to ruin a small portfolio, generally $1 million or less. See INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR, n. Someone who, without wise advice, is likely to ruin a large portfolio, generally $10 million or more. See INDIVIDUAL INVESTOR.

IRRATIONAL, adj. A word you use to describe any investor other than yourself.

Patience, n. A quality found among lower life forms such as snails & tortoises, but rarely among humans who invest in financial assets.

Thrift, n. The obsolete practice of spending less money than you earn, once believed to be a virtue, now regarded as a disturbing form of deviant behavior.


For more, check out the source here: » DictionaryJason Zweig

or the book here: » The Devil’s Financial DictionaryJason Zweig
Click to expand...

Looked up day trader and it sent me to idiot which in turn sent me to day trader, great now I'm caught in an infinite loop. LOL
 
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