Black Humor (for RED days.)

[jpcavin]

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

 

[remark]

Have you ever told a white lie?

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the
Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot todo it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after
rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix&
quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, andhelping her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center haddropped flat
And the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh dear, there is not time to bake anothercake!"
So, being inventive, she looked around the house
for something to build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper.
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, itlooked perfect.
And, before she left the house to drop the cake by thechurch and head for work,
Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money andspecific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it openedat 9:30 and to buy
the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found theattractive,
perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyonewould know!
What would they think? She would be ostracized, talkedabout, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about peoplepointing fingers at her
And talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake
And would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at thehome of a fellow church member
and try to have a good time. She did not really want toattend
because the hostess was a snob who more than once hadlooked down her
nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and notfrom the
founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having alreadyRSVP'd, she
couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely uppercrust old south and to Alice's
horror, the cake in question was presented for desert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw thecake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess allabout it, but before she could get to her feet,
the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when sheheard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought
to herself,
"God is good."

 

[TSP-roulette]

If sensitive to political parody don't watch and get pissy. Just saying.

 

[jpcavin]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

 

[jpcavin]

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

[PessOptimist]

Bwaaaaahahahaaaaa!

 

[TSP-roulette]

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our country, way back when George
Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number)
in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters(remember this name) and stationed him at the front
of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back
and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the
Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to
no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face,
to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet,exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there,and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me."

 

[remark]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER S...TEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid

 

[TSP-roulette]

It's Satire if you will.

 

[jpcavin]

[h=2]the signs as i’ve experienced them[/h]Aries: the definition of a fuckboy but they actually have a soul. literally don’t give two shits about the haters and are some of the most loyal friends i’ve ever encountered. have very sudden growth periods. super dedicated to anything they put their mind to. ALSO OH MY GOD SO GOOD WITH THE TONGUE


Taurus: very eccentric, don’t really know how to deal with emotions. get flustered easily but it’s kinda cute. dreamy demeanor. will ignore the hell out of u if u **** them over. are lowkey terrified of everything but will probs never admit that as they have some weird element of ego tied into that.


Gemini: really chill people when u get to know them but will scare the **** out of u for like six years if u don’t approach them. do not fucking **** them off as they will butcher yo ass with their tongue and hang u up for the rest of the world to see. probably has daddy issues. writers. really physically attractive and everybody is intimidated as **** by it. dumb as hell in terms of love and will flirt with you incessantly. REALLY FUCKIN GOOD WITH THEIR HANDS LIKE DAMN.


Cancer: big hearts. fuckin adorable little water signs that are likely drowning in a puddle of their own tears. do not know how to fucking flirt to save their lives. their laughs are kooky as hell and i love it. probably smoke weed. u either love ‘em or want to kill them or are in some poorly balanced inbetween.


Leo: okay y’all needa settle down a bit. fragile fuckin egos if i’ve ever seen ‘em and react hardcore if u **** them off. pretty over the top with everything. but damn, are some of the most hopelessly romantic motherfuckers i’ve met. will treat you like a fucking god(dess) if u let them. not super good at social cues tbh. good friends to have if u need to be validated. need quality time.


Virgo: y’all are lowkey hoes and give no fucks about it and it’s fucking great omfg. despite that, they maintain an endearing innocence and can be childish af when things don’t go their way but will love u until the end of time. great taste in music. super fucking smart but don’t show it off too often.


Libra: jesus christ okay i love u guys. super understanding and will always try to see all sides of a situation. probably have been through a lot. aren’t afraid to call u on ur **** and are lowkey emotional shawtys that are still trying to find themselves. make really wonderful parents. get crazy excited over little **** and it’s fucking adorable.

Scorpio: don’t **** with these hoes unless u know urself first. will expose the parts of urself that u didn’t want to see. super gnarly in fights and will love u until the end of time. pretty standoffish and need time alone when emotionally unstable. keep themselves in amazing shape. are the loneliest fucks i know; be kind to them always. are probably in great shape (physically.)


Sagittarius: craziest mofos out there. abandon all emotions before going into a situation and can be super impulsive. funny as **** and always seem to be on another level. push themselves to the limit and usually forget to give themselves a break. ambitious and can get **** done when they need to.


Capricorn: talk about a ride or die. y’all are loyal to the grave and are incredible friends. until u get fucked over. will probably make ur enemies’ life a living hell, sometimes over-the-top about it. can be v athletic. good writers/artists. really interested in spirituality and the ethereal realms. u guys know what to do in bed and flirt hard af. also so fucking funny oh my god.


Aquarius: amazing friends. probably hate u. easily excitable. space cadets 4 life. rly good with animals and love food but probably restrict their eating habits in one way or another. a paradox in that they are fucking driven as hell to get **** done but give zero fucks at the same time. lowkey kinky af. want to kiss everyone.

Pisces: emotional shawtys through and through. physically attractive as hell. not good at romantic relationships. won’t forget about u for a million years. keep their friends close but will push u the **** away if they get scared. insecure and just want u to stick around.

 

[nnuut]

ARIES I AM!

 

[jpcavin]

Capricorn


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[TSP-roulette]

 

[TSP-roulette]

 

[remark]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..

 

[nnuut]

[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]During his physical, the doctor asked the patient[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]about his daily activity level.​[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]​
H​e described a typical day this way:[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees.”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Inspired by the story, the doctor said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]”No,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[FogSailing]

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[FogSailing]

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FS

 

[FogSailing]

John Cleese of Monty Python fame recently published this little piece which I found most enjoyable.

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

 

[DrFaustus]

lol ... reminds me of Churchill's comment upon hearing that the Italians had sided with the Germans. He said "Well, that's fair. We had them the last time." : D