Black Humor (for RED days.)

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[FogSailing]

A satellite sounds like a great idea. Of course, I don't know how to use my smart phone or my new remote but what the hay...:laugh:

FS

 

[nnuut]

Think you are having abad day ?

Fire authorities in California found acorpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by aforest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete withscuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the mandied not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental recordsprovided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determinehow a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of thefire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. Thefire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had calledin a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped fromthe ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver wasmaking like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke ina fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get outof bed. but keep reading....


Still think you're having abadday ?
A man was workingon his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racingthe engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, stillholding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glasspatio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in theroom to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shatteredpatio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairlylarge hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics andescort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading herhusband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She alsoquickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed theminto the toilet.

After being treated and released, the manreturned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to hismotorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarettewhile attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt betweenhis legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard aloud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroomfloor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin,she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down thestairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumpingthe husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

There now, feelingbetter?

 

[nnuut]

Still having a bad day ?

Just remember, it could be worse..

The average cost of rehabilitating a sealafter the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into thewild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, akiller whale ate them both.


Still thinkyou are having abadday ?

A woman came home to find her husband inthe kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind ofwire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt himaway from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happilylistening to his Walkman.



STILL think you're havinga bad day ?

Two animal rights protesters wereprotesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What ?! STILL having abad day ??


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't payenough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stampedon it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

 

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[remark]

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he islost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon fartherand shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-airballoon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did youknow?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everythingyou have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be inmanagement."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but howdid you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't knowwhere you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you werebefore we met, but now it's my fault."

 

[remark]

I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow? Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit." You know it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

 

[nnuut]

I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow? Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit." You know it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

That is so darn funny my Ezra Brooks and Coke shot out of my nose, thanks!

 

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​Meals on Wheels.

 

[DrFaustus]

Thank God he was going downhill!

 

[nnuut]

Thank God he was going downhill!

I doubt if that will help much! I hope that guy on the bike can peddle faster than 35 MPH!
[h=3]Myth #2: Bears can’t run down hill[/h] Fact: Bears can run more than 60 kilometers an hour, and they can do it up hills, down hills or along a slope. To put that in perspective, that’s 15 m/sec or 50 ft/sec – more than twice as fast as we can run. In fact, a bear can outrun a racehorse over short distances but has little endurance.

Dispelling Myths About Bears - BearSmart.com


[h=2]3. Myth: Bears can’t run downhill.[/h] If you’re being chased by a bear, don’t run downhill! Bears can run as fast as a horse (35 mph), and they can do it uphill, downhill, and everything in between. A bear can outrun you no matter what, so if you see one in the wild do not try to run away from it. Instead, you should stand tall, wave your arms, and talk loudly but calmly. Back away slowly, but stop moving if the bear follows you.

5 Myths About Bears : Wildlife Promise

 

[WorkFE]

Instead, you should stand tall, wave your arms, and talk loudly but calmly. Back away slowly, but stop moving if the bear follows you.

Yeah, that isn't happening. :laugh:

 

[Cactus]

Well, the bears were certainly after us today. :nuts:

 

[Skorcher]

I doubt if that will help much! I hope that guy on the bike can peddle faster than 35 MPH!

He should easily do 40 mph down that steep hill. The road is pretty icy though. So if he crashed he'd be dead meat.

 

[DrFaustus]

You know the old joke about this, right?

Two hikers are hiking through the woods when they are suddenly confronted by a large bear.
Immediately, the first hiker sits down and starts lacing up jogging shoes.
Second hiker says, "What are you doing?! We can't outrun that bear, even WITH jogging shoes!"
First hiker says "Who cares about the bear? All I need to do is outrun YOU."

I doubt if that will help much! I hope that guy on the bike can peddle faster than 35 MPH!
Myth #2: Bears can’t run down hill

Fact: Bears can run more than 60 kilometers an hour, and they can do it up hills, down hills or along a slope. To put that in perspective, that’s 15 m/sec or 50 ft/sec – more than twice as fast as we can run. In fact, a bear can outrun a racehorse over short distances but has little endurance.

Dispelling Myths About Bears - BearSmart.com


3. Myth: Bears can’t run downhill.

If you’re being chased by a bear, don’t run downhill! Bears can run as fast as a horse (35 mph), and they can do it uphill, downhill, and everything in between. A bear can outrun you no matter what, so if you see one in the wild do not try to run away from it. Instead, you should stand tall, wave your arms, and talk loudly but calmly. Back away slowly, but stop moving if the bear follows you.

5 Myths About Bears : Wildlife Promise

 

[ravensfan]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmJn7FPWLeE

 

[konakathy]

 

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