Black Humor (for RED days.)

[WorkFE]

i have more than a dozen, and only just over 5,000 rounds not counting .22lr

You're a little short of being:
"mentally unstable."

 

[jpcavin]

You're a little short of being:
"mentally unstable."

Are you kidding? He probably has 4,999 too many! :laugh:

 

[James48843]

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?," she asked.

The man replied, "I would like to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie"

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?"

The man replied," Idaho.

"Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney."

"Her will directed me to give you $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!


​

 

[RealMoneyIssues]

I have an assault rifle, three pistols and 500 rounds of ammo, plus or minus. Guess I've seen the Walking Dead too many times.

Wow, thats all??? I just started in the last year and have more than that... even at these prices. If they go down, I might have to give that guy in CA a run for his money

Then wait for James, FWM, or Khotso to call the straight-jacket folks on me :nuts:

 

[konakathy]

Wow, thats all??? I just started in the last year and have more than that... even at these prices. If they go down, I might have to give that guy in CA a run for his money

Then wait for James, FWM, or Khotso to call the straight-jacket folks on me :nuts:

No. Let me be the first! :laugh:

 

[burrocrat]

of course if the preaccused lunatic does not keep their lunatic toys in a secure lunatic locker safe from where other potential unauthorized lunatics can easily access them and possibily decide to do something lunatical, then the preaccused lunatic is also an irresponsible preaccused lunatic who still at this point has do nothing outside the law.

now that we have solved that political regulation problem, next we are going to make sure hammers safely stored locked away from nails so that other lunatics don't drive spikes into their dumb lunatic neighbor's skulls. also hot coffee is on the list for security upgrades as some caffiene lovers acccidentally burn themselves with it when mixed with heated water.

pffft.

 

[konakathy]

of course if the preaccused lunatic does not keep their lunatic toys in a secure lunatic locker safe from where other potential unauthorized lunatics can easily access them and possibily decide to do something lunatical, then the preaccused lunatic is also an irresponsible preaccused lunatic who still at this point has do nothing outside the law.

now that we have solved that political regulation problem, next we are going to make sure hammers safely stored locked away from nails so that other lunatics don't drive spikes into their dumb lunatic neighbor's skulls. also hot coffee is on the list for security upgrades as some caffiene lovers acccidentally burn themselves with it when mixed with heated water.

pffft.

Did you lose the combination to your locker?

 

[burrocrat]

Did you lose the combination to your locker?

yeah, but i swear i called the locksmith honey, he should be here soon to let you out, wouldn't want you to hurt someone.

 

[konakathy]

yeah, but i swear i called the locksmith honey, he should be here soon to let you out, wouldn't want you to hurt someone.

:nuts: Too late.

 

[Buster]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When
you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must Confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party.'

 

[Buster]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?"
asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.


A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts
it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts:

"So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."








That's him in Aisle 5

 

[nnuut]

A.A.A.D.D. :blink:

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention

> > Deficit Disorder. This is how is manifests itself:
> >
> > I decided to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice
> > that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the
> > mail before I wash the car.
> >
> > I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash
> > can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
> >
> > So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
> > trash first but then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> > when I take out the trash anyway.
> >
> > I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the
> > table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks
> > are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can
> > of Coke that I had been drinking.
> >
> > I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
> > aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
> >
> > I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in
> > the refrigerator to keep it cold.
> >
> > As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the
> > counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
> >
> > I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
> > glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
> >
> > I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
> > water the flowers.
> >
> > I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
> > water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
> >
> > Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we
> > go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will
> > remember that it's on the kitchen table.
> >
> > So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first
> > I'll water the flowers.
> >
> > I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the
> > floor.
> >
> > So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and
> > wipeA. up the spill.
> >
> > Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
> > do.
> >
> > At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
> > there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers
> > aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I
> > can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember
> > what I did with the car keys.
> >
> > Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
> > baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really
> > tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
> > help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
> >
> > Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you
> > know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
> >
> > Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! And if I
> > have sent this to you before....well, now you know why you're
> > getting it again.

 

[Buster]

That's any other day in all my life..it's called multitasking...it's also worse if you're a Gemini, which I am:blink:

 

[konakathy]

I swear...I'm ready to set me up with a lunatic locker.

 

[burrocrat]

I swear...I'm ready to set me up with a lunatic locker.

that's ok, it's because you don't get laid enough. but we like you anyways.

 

[konakathy]

that's ok, it's because you don't get laid enough. but we like you anyways.

how do you know so much?

 

[burrocrat]

how do you know so much?

you turned me down, remember?

that's at least one smile never crossed your face.

 

[Buster]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

 

[nnuut]

[h=1]The odd joys of government lunacy[/h] By George F. Will

November 26, 2014

Before the tryptophan in the turkey induces somnolence, give thanks for living in such an entertaining country.

This year, for example, we learned that California’s legislature includes 93 persons who seem never to have had sex.
They enacted the “affirmative consent” law directing college administrators to tell students that sexual consent cannot be silence but must be “affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement” and “ongoing throughout a sexual activity.”
Claremont McKenna College requires “all” — not “both,” which would discriminate against groups — participants in a sexual engagement to understand that withdrawal of consent can be any behavior conveying “that an individual is hesitant, confused, uncertain.”
A severely moral California high-school principal prohibited the football booster club from raising money by selling donated Chick-fil-A meals because this company opposed same-sex marriage.
The school superintendent approved the ban because “we value inclusivity and diversity.” Up to a point.
At a Washington state community college, invitations to a “happy hour” celebrating diversity and combating racism said white people were not invited.
At Broward College near Miami, a conservative who was asking students if they agreed that “big government sucks” was told by a campus security guard that she must take her question to the campus “free-speech area.”
She got off lightly: The federal government has distributed to local police, including those of some colleges and school districts, more than 600 surplus MRAP (mine-resistant ambush-protected) armored vehicles designed for Iraq and Afghanistan.
The federal government, which has Tomahawk cruise missiles and Apache and Lakota helicopters, used the code name “Geronimo” in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden but objected to the name of the Washington Redskins.
The Department of Homeland Security, unsleepingly vigilant, raided a Kansas City shop to stop sales of panties emblazoned with unauthorized Royals logos.
A US Forest Service article on safe marshmallow-toasting did not neglect to nag us: It suggested fruit rather than chocolate in s’mores. The droll Orange County Register wondered, “Why not replace the marshmallow with a Brussels sprout?”
The federal government’s food police began cracking down on schools’ fund-raising bake sales: Step away from those brownies and put your hands on a fruit cup.
Niagara County, NY, spent $700,000 of its Tobacco Master Settlement Money not on fighting smoking but on golf-course equipment.
In Seattle, the Freedom Socialist Party, which favors a $20-an-hour minimum wage, advertised a job opening for a Web developer to be paid $13 an hour.
Joe Biden was off by 160,839 when citing the number of people killed in the 2011 Joplin, Mo., tornado. He said 161,000. But the former chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee expressed optimism about “the nation of Africa.”
Barack Obama explained the Keystone XL pipeline: “It is providing the ability of Canada to pump their oil, send it through our land, down to the Gulf, where it will be sold everywhere else.
That doesn’t have an impact on US gas prices.” Someone very patient should try to explain to him that prices of petroleum are set by a global market.
Hamlet: “Do you see yonder cloud that’s almost in shape of a camel?”
Polonius: “By the mass, and ’tis like a camel, indeed.”
Hamlet: “Methinks it is like a weasel.”
Polonius: “It is backed like a weasel.”
Hamlet: “Or like a whale?”
Polonius: “Very like a whale.”
Fortunately, Polonius was not among the Colorado Springs second-graders invited to use their imaginations in seeing shapes in clouds. Kody Smith said one looked like a gun. So, a behavior report was filed against the 8-year-old.
A South Carolina high-school student was arrested and suspended after having written a story about killing a dinosaur with a gun.
“The Great Immensity,” a climate-change musical financed by $700,000 from the National Science Foundation, quickly closed.
Outgoing Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, perhaps planning for wars with small carbon footprints, fretted that global warming “could threaten many of our training activities.”
Alarmed by reports that global warming will cause a 4-foot rise in sea levels, California Gov. Jerry Brown warned that “Los Angeles’ airport’s going to be underwater.” It is more than 120 feet above sea level.
Because everything confirms the theory of impending catastrophic global warming, in 2005 Hurricane Katrina was called a harbinger of increasingly violent weather caused by . . . well, you know.
Today, Louisianans are thankful that this was the ninth consecutive hurricane season without a major hurricane landfall.

 

[konakathy]

*SMH*. :suspicious: