Black Humor (for RED days.)

[remark]

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians inthe U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths causedby Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Nowthink about this:

Guns

(A)The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B)The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C)The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So,statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be accidently killedby a
doctor as by a gun owner!!!


Please alert your friends tothis alarming threat.

Wemust ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Outof concern for the public at large, We withheld the statistics on lawyers

forfear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

 

[PessOptimist]

A red joke ("red humor") for a black day. From the cold war days of the 50s or 60s.


A high ranking US official and his wife were attending an official dinner with a high ranking USSR official named Rudolph. Things were not going well as the Russian was very disagreeable.


After dinner, in an effort to make conversation the US official's wife noticed it was snowing. She said to Rudolph "look at the beautiful snow". Rudolph gruffly replied "is not snow, is rain". The wife had had enough at this point and started telling the Russian how bad he was acting and that the lie about the snow was the last straw.


The US official put his arm around his wife and asked her to calm down. She replied she would not and that Rudolph was lying about the snow being rain. The US official replied to his wife she should drop the subject as "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear".

Maybe I should have posted this in December.

 

[alevin]

A red joke ("red humor") for a black day. From the cold war days of the 50s or 60s.


A high ranking US official and his wife were attending an official dinner with a high ranking USSR official named Rudolph. Things were not going well as the Russian was very disagreeable.


After dinner, in an effort to make conversation the US official's wife noticed it was snowing. She said to Rudolph "look at the beautiful snow". Rudolph gruffly replied "is not snow, is rain". The wife had had enough at this point and started telling the Russian how bad he was acting and that the lie about the snow was the last straw.


The US official put his arm around his wife and asked her to calm down. She replied she would not and that Rudolph was lying about the snow being rain. The US official replied to his wife she should drop the subject as "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear".

Maybe I should have posted this in December.

The jokes have been pretty good last couple days, carry one! :laugh:

 

[nnuut]

:laugh:

 

[James48843]

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words ...

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!


Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.


I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

 

[konakathy]

What are three, two letter words, that mean small?

 

[konakathy]

What are three, two letter words, that mean small?

"Is it in?"

 

[burrocrat]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

 

[Buster]

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Red Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Utah."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from UTAH, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

 

[Buster]

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says.........

"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."


+Vote wisely November 2014













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[burrocrat]

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

oh crap, it occurs to me i might be the devil.

 

[Buster]

oh crap, it occurs to me i might be the devil.

So what you're admitting to, is that you're really full of sh!t:toung:

 

[burrocrat]

So what you're admitting to, is that you're really full of sh!t:toung:

no, but i am good at campaigning.

 

[Buster]

no, but i am good at campaigning.

Same thing..

 

[Buster]

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

[TABLE="class: yiv4679497823MsoNormalTable, width: 100%"]
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By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."







In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."







In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."







In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."







In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."







In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."







In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."







In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."







In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."







In North Carolina, Virginia, W.Va.., Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."







And in Texas: he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."





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[jkenjohnson]

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

[TABLE="class: yiv4679497823MsoNormalTable, width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD="width: 100%"]

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."







In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."







In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."







In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."







In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."







In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."







In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."







In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."







In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."







In North Carolina, Virginia, W.Va.., Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."







And in Texas: he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."





[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
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I have an assault rifle, three pistols and 500 rounds of ammo, plus or minus. Guess I've seen the Walking Dead too many times.

 

[konakathy]

Today's election photo bomb of the day. :laugh: :nuts: I think this guy is going to get more attention than he wants.

 

[WorkFE]

I think that's James. :laugh:

 

[jpcavin]

I think it's Khotso picking on Minnow From global warming to politics.....there's no place to hide.:laugh:

 

[burrocrat]

I have an assault rifle, three pistols and 500 rounds of ammo, plus or minus. Guess I've seen the Walking Dead too many times.

i have more than a dozen, and only just over 5,000 rounds not counting .22lr which are only good for squirrels and rabbits and other small things to eat or else cheap muscle mechanics practice. otherwise it would make a sensational liberal news headline '10,000 rounds'! i'm still working on the tunnel.