Black Humor (for RED days.)

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Truisms fer sure!mechanic1.jpg

 [FONT=&quot]TOOLS and their USE
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool you will need.[/FONT]
 
82159_minimalistic-humor-quotes-typography-1600x1200-wallpaper_wallpaperswa.com_10.jpg
 
9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

The Best Humor Quotes - 1 to 10
 
nnuut said:
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
Click to expand...
Well, since this is Boob's Law I guess they are boobs. Of course, in this thread that has a totally different meaning. :nuts:
 
Observations:

  • Why does the USPS put mailboxes in front of the Post Office?..I mean isn't that like taking a pee outside the bathroom door?


  • Why does it always seem like a buttered piece of toast if dropped on the floor, always hits the floor buttered side down?


  • And..if you drop a cat from any height and position, it will always land on it's feet..

Wondering:..If you tapped a piece of butter toast to the back of a cat and then dropped the cat.....well, you get what I mean..:rolleyes:
 
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Did You Know?[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]6. If a part of your body "falls asleep", you can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing- -food, attractive people and danger.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins. to boil 1.5 liters of water!![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]37. What other people think of you is none of your business.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]38. Time heals everything.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you'll accomplish, today ![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
PAINFUL PUNS!

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10..
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11..
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12..
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13..
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
14..
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
15..
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16..
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17..
A backward poet writes inverse.
18..
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
20..
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine.
21..
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22..
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23..
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24..
Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25..
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
All I can think of, it's a cheesy monitor or joke....shame though, all that swiss cheese gone to waste, would've made a couple of nice Reuben sandwiches.:nuts:
 
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