Black Humor (for RED days.)

[jpcavin]

Little Jennifer was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor Teena peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, she politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jennifer?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jennifer tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."
Teena was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Jennifer patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat.

 

[jpcavin]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse. When one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in front of the plane and screams "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it!! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then from the back of the plane in a baritone voice came a reply: "I can make you feel like a woman." The woman looked toward the back of the plane and saw the man who had answered stand up. Oh, my God. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with long, flowing blond hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt then whispers: "Iron this."

 

[Buster]

Little Jennifer was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor Teena peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, she politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jennifer?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jennifer tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."
Teena was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Jennifer patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f'ing cat.

Fixed

 

[jpcavin]

Fixed

BT wouldn't like you taking like that about cats.

 

[Buster]

BT wouldn't like you taking like that about cats.

Especially one that has just been buried alive with a goldfish it's belly..



Birch is no one special in the cat department, I have two cats myself: Buster and Bear

 

[nnuut]

 

[nnuut]

 

[nnuut]

 

[nnuut]

[h=3]Stock Market Humor: New Stock Market Terms[/h]

• CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
• CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
• BULL MARKET-- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
• STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
• PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

 

[Buster]

Husband’s Text Message (by cellphone):


"Honey, a car hit me when I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and X-rays. The blow to my head was very strong, fortunately it seems that it did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.


Wife’s Response: Who’s Paula?

 

[jpcavin]

Husband’s Text Message (by cellphone):


"Honey, a car hit me when I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and X-rays. The blow to my head was very strong, fortunately it seems that it did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.


Wife’s Response: Who’s Paula?

Exactly!

 

[TSP-roulette]

Jackass 3D- Funny Moments - YouTube

 

[nnuut]

Jackass 3D- Funny Moments - YouTube

Them Jackass' are NNUUTS!

 

[nnuut]

YEP!

 

[konakathy]

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in

a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm

and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have

this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep

in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be

gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the

two men found their way to the barn and

settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and

they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an

unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out,

but he finally determined that it was from
the attorney of that attractive widow
he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,

'Bob, do you remember that good-looking
widow from the farm we stayed at on our

ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the

middle of the night, go up to the house
and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed

about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name

instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.'

'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'




And you thought the ending would be different,

didn't you?... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!


​

​

 

[Buster]

9 Months Later...

​

​

[/QUOTE]



Now, that's my kind of woman:laugh:​

 

[nnuut]

 

[konakathy]

How to be cruel to old guys:

​AARP Eye Chart

 

[nnuut]

Darnit I can't see the last 3, even with my magnifying glass!:embarrest:

 

[Buster]

My cat ...