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Re: incredible Olympic Competition today

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Re: incredible Olympic Competition today

[FONT=&quot]These are from a book called [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Disorder in the American Courts [/FONT][FONT=&quot], and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: My name is Susan! [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]____________________________________________ [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]____________________________________________ [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: No , I just lie there. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]____________________________________________ [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: This [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: I forget.. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]___________________________________________ [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: We both do. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: Voodoo? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: We do.. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: You do? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]____________________________________________ [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]____________________________________ [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]___________________________________________ [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: Are you shi#*ing me? [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]_________________________________________ [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]August 8th? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: Yes. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: Getting laid. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]____________________________________________ [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: Yes. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: How many were boys? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: None. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
An old farmer named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

 
It was Sunday morning, and the priest had already preached to the adults in the congregation.

Now he was presenting a children's sermon.

He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time,
asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection
that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
 
TICK WARNING

Please send this to everyone on your email list, facebook, friends and family.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you dance naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday....I feel so stupid!!
 
A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test."
 
Vodka + Water = Injures Kidney
Rum + Water = Injures Liver
Whiskey + Water = Injures Heart
Gin + Water = Injures Brain

Got to be something wrong in water :blink:
 
Re: incredible Olympic Competition today

image.jpg.

On serious note. I do hope they find an answer soon to this mystery for the sake of the families who are grieving.
 
Re: incredible Olympic Competition today

[h=1]The Difference Between Men And Women. This Is Genius.[/h] [h=3]Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.[/h]
 
Re: incredible Olympic Competition today

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father,“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers,“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breastsare like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, stillnice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks.“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife anddaughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies arethere?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through threephases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s likea Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from theroot up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 
A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years. He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there. Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes. He probably hasn't seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says of he might kill us be strong honey love you." The wife leans over and whispers "He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."
 
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