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THE TOILET SEAT


My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on
our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower.

Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to
stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued
her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in
desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital
emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
her (Try to get a mental picture of how her butt looked in this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well,
Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 
pics_cat-named-lucky.jpg
 
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra..." which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
 
Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold
drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for
his wallet, he said to her, "You're in great shape. You must work out a lot."

Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, "Oh, thank you so much!"

The next day a different young woman was driving the cart. "Watch this," I
whispered. I walked up to her and said, "Wow, you must work out a lot."

"Yeah," she replied flatly. "You should try it."
 
Um, not sure. I just had the most hilarious recollection of this episode on the Discovery Channel I saw with rabbits having sex. Truly a representation of the human experience, the male was humping away, about 300 strokes a minute, while the female had this look on her face that I can only equate with 'I wonder what shade I should get my nails done with tomorrow'. True to form, the male kept on going at it, even up until the point where he fell over to the side, losing penetration, yet still pumping away like mad.
 
TSP-roulette said:
Um, not sure. I just had the most hilarious recollection of this episode on the Discovery Channel I saw with rabbits having sex. Truly a representation of the human experience, the male was humping away, about 300 strokes a minute, while the female had this look on her face that I can only equate with 'I wonder what shade I should get my nails done with tomorrow'. True to form, the male kept on going at it, even up until the point where he fell over to the side, losing penetration, yet still pumping away like mad.
Click to expand...

WTMI:blink:
 
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.”​
 
Lawd have mercy !! What a most tromatic avent y'all suffered through !! I hope y'all had some smellin' salts on hand ! :laugh:

[video]http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/weekend-update-buford-calloway/n45830[/video]
 
The Blonde Cop

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the
cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?". The motorist
scuffles around in her purse, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and
says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself."

The cop says, "Ok Let me see it, then. So the blonde motorist gives the
mirror to the blonde cop, she looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had
known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You
can go now."
 
A blonde city girl named Sue marries a Coloradorancher. One morning, on his way out tocheck on the cows, the rancher said to Sue, "The insemination man iscoming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. "Please show him where the cow is whenhe gets here, OK?"

The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial inseminationman arriveed and knocked on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Sue took him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Suesaw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he was dealing with anairhead blonde asked, "Tell me,lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. "how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple." she said."By the nail that's over its stall, she explained very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man said,"And what, the hell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turned to walk away and saidsweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” shereplied.
(It'snice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)
 
Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.

There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized.

The island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.

Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.

The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it- all.

Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.

Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.

The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots.

Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN. Crazy? He does wear red in every episode....
 
Subject:
Complete vs Finished


No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best linguists in the world.


Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.


The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?


Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is Balgobin's astute answer.


"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. "

"When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, "



"AND when the right woman catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!"
















He won a trip to travel the world in style, and a case of 25 year old Scotch.















​





















​

​
 
The real words of wisdom are:..NEVER MARRY....Course my first wife was a black woman .
images%20(2).jpg
...nuff said
 
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear,... if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing
the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of Chicken 2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COL. SANDERS: Where is he?
 
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