Black Humor (for RED days.)

[sstasel]

Here's a few more to add to OBGibby's post #719:

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I
would call all the newspapers and make sure
they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you
one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife.
I don’t want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8 (I imagine he'll be rethinking this one!)

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

No age is good to get married at. You got to
be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

 

[nnuut]

GOOD APPROACH
My wife sidled up to me and leaned forward giving me a good look at her cleavage.


"Have you ever seen a twenty-dollar bill crumpled up in a very interesting
way?" she asked.
"No", I answered.


She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached deep into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill.


Have you ever seen a fifty-dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked, and I
shook my head.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached under her dress into her
panties and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars all crumpled
up?"
Intrigued, I slowly shook my head.

"Well," she said, "go take a look in the garage..."

 

[nnuut]

[FONT=&quot] Timeless quotes...some been around, some haven't
Some wisdom here! [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion: that one useless man is a
shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. ~ John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed. ~ Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]standing in a bucket & trying to lift himself up by the handle.
~ Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul. ~ George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ~ G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner. ~ James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys. ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else. ~ Frederic Bastiat, French Economist
(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it. ~ Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
~ Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free! ~ P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ~ Voltaire
(1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you! ~ Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty or property is safe while the Legislature is in
session. ~ Mark Twain (1866 )

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. ~ Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. ~ Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery. ~ Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. ~ Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools. ~ Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher
(1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class. Save [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Congress. ~ Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~ Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have. ~ Thomas Jefferson[/FONT]

 

[jpcavin]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?

“The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,

“Now go to town, cowboy..” “And here I am.”

Son of a Gun, Blond men do exist.

 

[jkenjohnson]

Every year an old man and his wife would go to the state fair and every year she would ask if they could go on the helicopter ride. "Heck no it costs 50 dollars and 50 dollars is fifty dollars" he said. Finally after several years the helicopter pilot told the couple he would take them up for free if they would not say anything while in the air. They went up and when they landed the pilot noticed the old man was not in the helicopter. He asked the old woman what happened. She said he had fallen out during one of the turns. The pilot said "why didn't you say something"? She answered, it would have cost me fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

 

[remark]

A motorcyclepolice officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comesstriding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by theGestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red lightviolation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer'sancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an"AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. Hethen hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs theticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH"and demands to know
what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court,I'll remember that you're
an *******!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has abad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losinghis license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man runthrough the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;"Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to myclient?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant'scopy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking ornotation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of thenarrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for,officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand forasshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his ownclient~~~~

 

[OBGibby]

Para-pros-dokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.







1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.







2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.







3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.







4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.







5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.







6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.







7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.







8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.







9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.







10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.







11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to K MART)







12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.







13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..







14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.







15. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.







16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.







17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

[James48843]

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.


My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that we men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."


On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."


I rest my case.



Time for another beer.

 

[burrocrat]

what happened to the 'videos that won't post thread'? hilarious!

 

[James48843]

[h=5]After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable,
an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked
around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and
passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, " he said.

"But on Fridays, I usually go fishing."[/h]

 

[James48843]

 

[eccougar]

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains
the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you
because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find
the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair,
and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in
the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies..
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail.. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging
by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
------------------------------------
This one actually makes sense...sort of...)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always
fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still
be in the boat."

 

[James48843]

Our waitress last night...

 

[nnuut]

[h=2]California Crazy Law[/h] [FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.


Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

[TABLE="align: right"]
[TR]
[TD]
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.



Bathhouses are against the law.


In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.


No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.


Women may not drive in a house coat.


It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Arcadia


Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.Alhambra


You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

[h=3]Baldwin Park[/h]
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

[h=3]Belvedere[/h]
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

[h=3]Blythe[/h]
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

[h=3]Burlingame[/h]
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

[h=3]Carmel[/h]
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)


Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

[h=3]Chico[/h]
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

[h=3]Downey[/h]
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

[h=3]Hollywood[/h]
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

[h=3]Lafayette[/h]
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

[h=3]Lodi[/h]
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

[h=3]Lompoc[/h]
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

[h=3]Long Beach[/h]
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.


Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

[h=3]Los Angeles[/h]
Toads may not be licked.


You may not hunt moths under a street light.


It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.


You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.


Zoot suits are prohibited.


It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.


It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

[h=3]Ontario[/h]
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

[h=3]Pacific Grove[/h]
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

[h=3]Palm Springs[/h]
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

[h=3]Pasadena[/h]
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

[h=3]Prunedale[/h]
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

[h=3]Redlands[/h]
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

[h=3]Riverside[/h]
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

[h=3]San Diego[/h]
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.


It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

[h=3]San Francisco[/h]
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.


Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.


It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.


It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

[h=3]San Jose[/h]
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

[h=3]Santa Monica[/h]
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

[h=3]Temecula[/h]
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
[/FONT]

 

[remark]

The Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summonshim to the Revenue Canada office.

The Revenue Canada auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagantlifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you winmoney gambling.

I'm not sure the Revenue Canada finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Goahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I canbite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet....'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollarsthat I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takesthe bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes
He has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?'
Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way thisold guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't
make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney.

'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summonedfor an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you!

Don't Mess with Older People!!

 

[rcknfrewld]

(For tspers in NW Ohio)......Today I delivered a bulging, falling apart box that was about 30 pounds...the customer greeted me at the door...handing over the box to him i said "what do you got in there baby Elana?"....I busted out laughing...they didn't...jeez...I hope they weren't a relative...

 

[remark]

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front ofSt. Peter at thePearlyGates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are allthose clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are lie-clocks.

Everyoneon Earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your
clockwill move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?""That's Mother
Teresa's.The hands have never moved, indicating she's never told a lie."
"Incredible,"said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peterresponded,
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.The hands have moved twice, tellingus that Abe
told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where'sPresident Obama's clock," asked the man? "Obama's clock is in
Jesus'office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!

 

[remark]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon beavailable in liquid form and
will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviouslywe
can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned"stiff drink". Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants andViagra
today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

 

[James48843]

[video=youtube;ZKLnhuzh9uY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ZKLnhuzh9uY[/video]

 

[sstasel]