Black Humor (for RED days.)

[remark]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Mike, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the

smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing Feeling very

badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as

well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said,"I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a

Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems

to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Mike replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[remark]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'

And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...



'W I N A B A G E L' :blink:

 

[James48843]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their
moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eatin...g a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives
her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out
of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[burrocrat]

turns out you can beat a dead horse. i highly recommend you check out jim davidson. he talks it, and walks it, straight.

No. 702 - YOU CAN BEAT A DEAD HORSE | Jim Davidson Column

"Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.’ Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’ Chuck said, ‘OK, then just bring me the dead horse.’The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’ Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.’The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his money back.’ Chuck grew up and works for the government.”

 

[OBGibby]

Young people have theirs,



now Seniors have their own texting codes:




* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

 

[OBGibby]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[remark]

Here'ssomething to think about.....


Irecently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visitsand exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly
wellfor my age. (I am well past Sixty Five).
Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
askingher, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

Sheasked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or
hardliquor?'
'Ohno,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaksand barbecued
ribs?'
'Isaid, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red
meatis very unhealthy!'
'Doyou spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
boating,sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No,I don't,' I said.

Sheasked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot
ofsex?'

'No,'I said...

Shelooked at me and said,
..................
..........
.....

'Then,why do you even give a ****?'

 

[James48843]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'





The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'








Some old men can still think fast !!! ;}

 

[Frixxxx]

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week:

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

 

[nnuut]

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week:

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

Poor Devil, happened to me twice.:blink:

 

[Frixxxx]

For my Golfin buddies:
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

 

[konakathy]

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week:

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

Good one.

 

[remark]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house withthose expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call fromthe contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had beencompleted a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn'tmean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talkingsales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay forthemselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence atthe other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like anidiot.

 

[James48843]

 

[sstasel]

For anyone who hasn't seen this. It's pretty funny, with a lot of black humor. Hopefully no one will take offense.

With no further ado, I give you Jeff Dunham and Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

.

 

[remark]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, Tte church organist, was in her eighties Aad had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and hecould no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread ofdisease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.:toung:

 

[James48843]

Some of the best "Auto-Corrects" I've ever come across.

Caution- do NOT sip coffee while trying to read these. You could hurt yourself or others....

18 of the Best Autocorrect Struggles | Little White LionLittle White Lion

 

[remark]

For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
---------------

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled in New York. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

=========

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

 

[OBGibby]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO
MARRY? (written by kids) ​

-You got to find somebody who likes
the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10
​

-No person really decides before they
grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get
to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10
​

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO
GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because
you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10
​

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL
IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on
whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8
​

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR
MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.


-- Lori, age 8
​

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO
ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people
should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if
you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8

(isn't she a treasure)
​

-On the first date, they just tell
each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second
date.

-- Martin, age 10
​

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS
SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7 ​

-The law says you have to be
eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7
​

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss
someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right
thing to do.

- - Howard, age 8
​

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE
SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single
but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
​

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE
DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to
explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8
​

And the #1 Favorite is
....... ​

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A
MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a dump truck. --
----Ricky, age 10 ​

 

[James48843]