Black Humor (for RED days.)

[remark]

The local Pastor explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave. Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Pastor stays, I will provide him with a new Honda every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children'. The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur, stands and says, 'If the Pastor will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Pastor stays, I will give him sex.' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'


Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'screw the Pastor'.

 

[James48843]

Redneck mouse trap.

http://www.lolbrary.com/content/323/redneck-mousetrap-44323.gif

 

[nnuut]

Redneck mouse trap.

http://www.lolbrary.com/content/323/redneck-mousetrap-44323.gif

View attachment 23838

Too bad that won't work with SQUIRRELS, would anyone like to adopt about 20, we are having an invasion here?

VERMIN!!!​

 

[konakathy]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

[burrocrat]

View attachment 23894

 

[NiteFlyer]

... Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Wow, some of us on this forum must be VERY "experienced".

 

[remark]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and
take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my breast, I can splash it on my eyes." :nuts:

 

[PLANO]

[video=youtube;DWynJkN5HbQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=DWynJkN5HbQ[/video]

 

[remark]

A French doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks".

A German doctor says "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks".

The Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work".

 

[PLANO]

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma. 6 months later she wakes up and immediately asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're doing fine! It's a good thing your brother was here to name them.

Woman: My brother, he's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh, well that's not too bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Danephew

 

[nnuut]

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to dothe dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Michigan. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals. The first day he didn'tsee any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, hesaw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from South Carolina. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by thethird day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out ofhis left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[remark]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive... On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the Bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business......'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

[burrocrat]

remark, could you post a link for where you get all your semi dirty jokes from so i don't have to wait so long? or else post more often?

 

[remark]

Burrocrat,

No link - just a collection of over 20+ years that I dig into once a week or so to share with the good friends here. A little chuckle on Fridays seems to always be a good way to start the weekend.

 

[nnuut]

GOOD APPROACH
My wife sidled up to me and leaned forward giving me a good look at her cleavage.


"Have you ever seen a twenty-dollar bill crumpled up in a very interesting
way?" she asked.
"No", I answered.


She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached deep into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill.


Have you ever seen a fifty-dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked, andI
shook my head.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached under her dress into her
panties and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars all crumpled
up?"
Intrigued, I slowly shook my head.

"Well," she said, "go take a look in the garage..."

 

[nnuut]

Subject: Timeless quotes...somebeen around, some haven't
Some wisdom here!
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion: that one useless man is a
shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. ~ John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed. ~ Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member ofCongress.
But then I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperityis like a man
standing in a bucket& trying to lift himself up by the handle.
~ Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend onthe
support of Paul. ~ George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ~ G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheepvoting on
what to have for dinner. ~ James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor peoplein
rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey andcar
keys to teenage boys. ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybodyendeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else. ~ Frederic Bastiat, French Economist
(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a fewshort
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it. ~ Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government andreport the facts.
~ Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you seewhat it
costs when it's free! ~ P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as muchmoney as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ~ Voltaire
(1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn'tmean
politics won't take an interest in you! ~ Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty or property is safe while theLegislature is in
session. ~ Mark Twain (1866 )

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. ~ Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. ~ Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery. ~ Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. ~ Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of follyis
to fill the world with fools. ~ Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher
(1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminalclass. Save
Congress. ~ Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
~ Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have. ~ Thomas Jefferson

 

[remark]

One day, while going to the shop, I passed
by a retirement village. On the front lawn
were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued
on my way.
On my return trip, I passed the same
retirement village with the same six old ladies
lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the better of me and
I went inside to talk to the retirement village
Administrator, and asked her,
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on
your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're
retired prostitutes - they're having a yard
sale.

 

[nnuut]

How old is grandma?
Stay with this-- the answer is at the end... It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother
About current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought
About the shootings at schools, the computer age, and
Just things in general.

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute,

I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill

There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh airand
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather andI got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me,"Sir."

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man
With a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dualcareers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, andcommon sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and
Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for ouractions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this countrywas
A bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with
Your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the
Evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the
Evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FMradios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, orguys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent (5 and dime) stores where you could actuallybuy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi wereall a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel onenough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could
Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
' "software" wasn't even a word.
We were the lastgeneration to actually believe that a lady needed ahusband to have a baby.
We volunteered to protect our precious country. No wonder peoplecall us "old and confused" and say there is a generationgap.

How old do you think I am?


Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad atthe same time.

Are you ready????? This woman would be only 59 years old.
She would have been born in late 1954.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

 

[remark]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass,
it'll pass a Harley Davidson."

 

[nnuut]

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and BrotherElmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them tojoin up quick
before all of the places arefilled.

I was restless atfirst because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt andElmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. Nohogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.Practically nothing.


Men got to shavebut it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings likefruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmeryou can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plusyours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these cityboys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoonsergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my placeto tell him different. A "routemarch" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys getsore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the schoolboard. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother younone.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don'tknow why. The bulls-eye is near as bigas a chipmunk
head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you likethe Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable andhit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combattraining. You get to wrestle with themcity boys. I have to be real carefulthough, they break real easy. It ain'tlike fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in thisexcept for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. Hejoined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and
130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join beforeother fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice