Black Humor (for RED days.)

That one about Texas was a new rendition of one I read about moving to Alaska, in the Winter of course.:laugh:

November

6:00 PM -- It started to snow. The first snow of the season and hubby and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window watching the huge fluffy flakes gently drift down. So romantic!! I love snow!

Then we woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! It isn’t possible to live in a lovelier place in the whole world. I’m so happy we moved to Alaska!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a kid again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalk and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a great way to get exercise.

December

I am so sad that the sun has melted all the lovely snow. I was looking forward to shoveling again. My neighbor told me "Don't worry; we'll definitely have lots more snow".

Old Sourdough (long-time Alaskan) says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again... I just don't think that's possible.

January

Snow beautiful snow! Ten more inches of the lovely stuff last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything so pretty and sparkly. The arctic wind took my breath away, but I warmed up quickly by shoveling the driveway and sidewalk. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’m imagining the great figure I will have from all this bending and heavy lifting.

Twenty more inches of snow forecasted. We are stocking up on firewood looking forward to sitting by the warm fire watching the beautiful snowfall from our picture window!

February

There was a huge ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hubby laughed himself sick till he fell trying to help me get up...


February 12

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Can you believe it fourteen more inches of that stinkin’ white stuff last night! More shoveling!!! Took all day!! Stupid snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out, said they might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Sourdough says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

February 15

-30 and thirteen more inches fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.

Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, used the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.

Tried to hire Sourdough who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.

February 17th

Only two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. Feeling a sense of relief... That winter has finally snowed itself out!

February 18th

23... Freakin'...inches!!!! Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.

If I ever catch the driver of that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow and… I just know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish... and then he comes plowing down the street at 100 miles an hour and dumps a ton of snow where I've just shoveled!

February 19th

Twenty more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in! The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I HATE THE SNOW!

Then to top it off... the snowplow driver came by ASKING FOR A DONATION and hubby prevented me from chasing him with my broken shovel. Snowplow driver suggested I needed an attitude check… I suggested to snowplow driver that...

February 21st

Still snowed in... Why the heck did we ever move to Alaska? I also noticed today that the fireplace seems to be taking up way to much room...

February 22nd

Temperature dropped to -40 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 36 hours of waiting for him, he only charged us $1400 to replace the pipe that broke.

Told hubby that I think the water leaks have caused the house to shrink because I am feeling crowded. Hubby suggests maybe WE need to go on a diet! I suggested to Hubby that...

February 23rd

Warmed up to above -20, still snowed in. I can almost see through the ice build-up on the picture window!!!

February 24th

Sigh! Ten more inches!! Sourdough says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? I think he is showing signs of what some call Cabin Fever!

February 27th

16 more inches… Roof caved in. Had to shovel the driveway so the roof repair crew can get in. The snow plow driver didn’t wait for me to finish this time, and had the audacity to wave as he buried me in snow… 13 more inches predicted.

February 28th

Packing!
More Alaska Jokes:
http://www.arcticulates.org/alaska-jokes/alaska-jokes.html
 
That one about Texas was a new rendition of one I read about moving to Alaska, in the Winter of course.:laugh:


February 27th

16 more inches… Roof caved in. Had to shovel the driveway so the roof repair crew can get in. The snow plow driver didn’t wait for me to finish this time, and had the audacity to wave as he buried me in snow… 13 more inches predicted.

February 28th

Packing!
http://www.arcticulates.org/alaska-jokes/alaska-jokes.html

Chuckle, don't have to move to alaska for some of those experiences. been there, done that one winter in SE Oregon. 140 cumulative inches that winter, more snow every other day. Frozen-broken pipes, you betcha, shovel the roof before it caved in? you betcha, hired friends kids to do it tho. walked to work 3/4 mile in -16, rather than spend another 2 hours shoveling to get the car out after more overnight snow. car stuck in driveway, have to get pulled out? You betcha. Snow tunnel between front door and carport? You betcha. Oh the joy. makes for good stories, glad haven't repeated the experience lately. :laugh:
 
Just remember...

yellowsnow.jpg
 
Just remember...

yellowsnow.jpg

Either he's got some kind of urethra restriction or that was some fancy footwork that left no prints.

I know a gal named Kelsey can do that but nowhere near as neatly, you try spelling a k and e's and an s in cursive that way before you complain, she wasn't all that hot, but it was cool, and she wouldn't mind me sayin so.
 
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Just remember...

yellowsnow.jpg

Reminds me of a joke. An ancient joke. Could be applied to anyone currently in the news.

Nixon went outside of the west wing one morning and saw "eff nixon" written in the snow. Of course he called for a compete investigation. The results were that it was Kissinger's urine and Pat's handwriting. Bwaahahah. Take this and run. The possibilities are endless.
 
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!)

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, Mam, but..... you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
For the ladies................ :)

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, PIG!

Man yells out window, B**ch!

Man rounds next curve.

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If men would only listen.
 

smileyrolling.gif
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reach...ed behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends....
 
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist". The Proctologist fainted.:laugh:
 
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist". The Proctologist fainted.:laugh:

whew, i thought you were going to say urologist.
 
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It


5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?


Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.


12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.


17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.


22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Now, admit it.. at least one of these made you smile.

***

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.






 
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist". The Proctologist fainted.:laugh:


View attachment 15188
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reach...ed behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends....

Thanks guys. Both are pretty funny and clean enough to share. :laugh:
 
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