Black Humor (for RED days.)

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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then
say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"





And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 
A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?” To which the man replies, “Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?” St. Peter says, “That’s a good question, I will be back when I have the answer.”

Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, St. Peter returns and says, “OK, I’ve found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together.”

The couple responds by saying, “We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don’t work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”



To which St. Peter replies, “It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”
 

Investment tips for 2011

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2011-12:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co... will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: TittyTittyBangBang
 
Finally, a book on how to understand women....

book.jpg
 
---

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church ..


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'


Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'






This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'


'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but calmly replied, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
 
*** Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing
 
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