Black Humor (for RED days.)

[nnuut]

Selling my stuff if I die
The older you are and the longer you have been married,
the funnier this is.....

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and
thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said
to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my
stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she
asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry
and I don't want some other A**h*** using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd
marry another A**h***?" :laugh:

 

[jpcavin]

Pigs Tale


A farmer had 5 female pigs and times were getting tough, so he went to the country fair to sell his pigs. At the fair, he came across a farmer who had 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The two farmers lived 60 miles away from each other so they agreed to each drive 30 miles, and find a field to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had left, and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were going at it, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not.

The next morning they were rolling in the mud so he hosed them down, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!

This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife and and said, "Honey, look outside the and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
Neither one," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is beeping the horn."

 

[James48843]

Oh my!

 

[Buster]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
Inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings herto her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS​

AFRICAN IMMIGRANT​

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH​

 

[Buster]

HOLY HUMOUR

**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

​

When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses.... When he sees you reading it, he faints.... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?

 

[tsptalk]

http://www.cracked.com/funny-298-tattoos/

 

[RealMoneyIssues]

http://www.cracked.com/funny-298-tattoos/

uh, oh... :embarrest:

 

[Buster]

http://www.cracked.com/funny-298-tattoos/

LOL..that should be hanging in every Tattoo parlor in America:laugh::laugh:

 

[James48843]

Subject: SCAM ALERT

​

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD


entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".





Turns out it's about golf.


Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed

Best Regards,


Charlie Sheen




=

 

[WorkFE]

Now thats funny.

 

[crws]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
Inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings herto her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS​

AFRICAN IMMIGRANT​

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH​

Good one Buster! -Dang LSM :laugh:

 

[crws]

This is from a friend-
...some of them may sound familiar!

Senior Texting Codes

· ATD - At the Doctor's

· BFF - Best Friends Funeral

· BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

· BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

· CBM - Covered by Medicare

· CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

· DWI - Driving While Incontinent

· FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

· FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

· FYI - Found Your Insulin

· GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

· GHA - Got Heartburn Again

· HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

· IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

· LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

· LOL - Living on Lipitor

· LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

· OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

· OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

· ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up!

· TTYL - Talk to You Louder

· WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

· WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

· WTP - Where's the Prunes

· WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

· GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In!

Hope these help!

 

[jpcavin]

Medical Excuse

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up:
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

 

[RealMoneyIssues]

The Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend?

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported:

I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

:nuts: :laugh:

 

[James48843]

Looks like the market is tanking this morning at the open. Time for some "black humor for red days".

MALE LOGIC!!!!!



This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."


A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[alevin]

Huh???

 

[RealMoneyIssues]

uh, nope, I would have gotten the eggs... sorry

 

[Buster]

uh, nope, I would have gotten the eggs... sorry

Then you are barred from the Men's Club..:toung:

 

[RealMoneyIssues]

Then you are barred from the Men's Club..:toung:

Sorry, I just do the shopping so I understood that... I guess being the only guy in the family tends to change things

 

[Buster]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw​