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Or you can now use TapaTalk again!Black Humor (for RED days.)
- Thread starter James48843
- Start date
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends
and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
WARNING!!! --
If someone saying they are from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission shows up at your house and tells you that due to Japanese Nuclear Fallout contamination, you must take off ALL your clothes and hand them over NOW.... DON'T DO IT!
It's just a perv that wants to see you NAKED!!!...
Ah...I am SO Gullible...
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
Buster
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 109
Steel_Magnolia
Analyst
- Reaction score
- 20
Elgallo
TSP Strategist
- Reaction score
- 11
I guy walks into a bar with a blind dog under his arm.
He walks up to the bar , puts the dog on it, a perceeds to order his beer.
The bar tender asks what happened to his eyes. The guy says he was born that way.
Then the barkeep asked what the dogs name was, and the guy says he doesn't have one.
What do you mean he doesn't have a name, nope no name. Well how do you call for him? The guy says he don't call for because he wont come anyway, cuz he deaf too!
nnuut
Moderator | TSP Legend
- Reaction score
- 210
This might be a repeat, if so it's worth one!:laugh:
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with t he big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
Buster
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 109
I think his name was LUCKY:toung:
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
[FONT=Times ;]HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
[FONT=Times ;][FONT=Times ;]
[/FONT]WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
[/FONT]
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "and I thought you said there was nobody available!"
[/FONT][FONT=Times ;]
[/FONT]
.....
Don't mess with old people.
konakathy
Market Veteran
- Reaction score
- 41
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old geezer decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old geezer sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he asked, "Is that one word or two?"
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out acrossthe middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny , and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter
Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, “Don’t worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves,and repeats this again and again and again and
again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
HappyEaster!!!
James48843
TSP Talk Royalty
- Reaction score
- 525
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence...
He had no trouble with discipline that year.
RealMoneyIssues
TSP Legend
- Reaction score
- 100
EXCELLENT James
Too bad it isn't that easy to deal with the kids in school these days. My wife always has a ton of stories...
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