Black Humor (for RED days.)

A lad from Barnsley buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he feels that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day having sex with the sheep and upon returning home, falls into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'



 
A lad from Barnsley buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he feels that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day having sex with the sheep and upon returning home, falls into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'


And Hence the birth of a new vehicle: The Dodge Ram:D
 
62cebd9c_4d5e_6bd50.jpg


Great site
http://funnyjunk.com/
 
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible . . .

No wait . . . Sorry . . . I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does.
Never mind.
 
The four stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You look like Santa Claus.
 
warning, unpolitically correct and definately not funny attempt at a joke...







what do you say to a santa with black eyes?










nothing.










s-o-b obviously didn't listen the first two times you tole him.
 
I found a discrepency in the allocation for one of our new AutoTracker members. I sent them an emeil.

Me. "What is your current allocation?"

Response: Ft. Meyers Florida.

For reals. :D
 
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,

he's the erudite thinker who once said: "I woke up one morning,

and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".


His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:





1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend ... but she left me before we met.
 
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and
heads into the 19th Hole Grill Room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over
the bar:


COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he
whispers.....
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs..........
"Yes Sir , I sure am"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers
softly,.......

"Well, wash your hands really really good.......cause I want a cheeseburger."
 
From Jay Leno:

At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, LG unveiled a line of appliances that can send text messages. Would you want appliances that can text you? Imagine you’re in a business meeting: “Excuse me, I have to take this. It’s from my can opener.”
 
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.
 
Catholic gasoline...

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.



As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.


She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant to ld her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient..


Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,



'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!
 
Catholic gasoline...

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.



As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.


She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant to ld her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient..


Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,




'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!


It only takes a little faith. lol!!!
 
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and
heads into the 19th Hole Grill Room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over
the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he
whispers.....
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs..........
"Yes Sir , I sure am"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers
softly,.......

"Well, wash your hands really really good.......cause I want a cheeseburger."

Wasn't aware of this thread. Everyone at my work loved this joke! :laugh:
 
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