Black Humor (for RED days.)

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Divorced Barbie


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and
asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display
window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work
Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for
$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's balls.
 
Once upon a time a man told a small village, “I will buy monkeys for $10 each.”

Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.

As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers’ efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.

They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.

Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.

The man increased his price to $50, but announced, “Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.”

As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, “My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I’ll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.”

The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible from the assistant. Then they had monkeys everywhere…

… but they never saw the man or his assistant again.

And now you understand the workings of the stock market!

Credit to: "CreditVampire"
 
Loved crws's joke, and speaking of monkeys:

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys. Some monkeys are climbing up the tree, some are climbing down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but @##holes. :rolleyes: :D
 
More Halloween humor:

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.


Q: How do you make a witch stew?
A: Keep her waiting for hours.


Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?
A: "Tomb it may concern..."


Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.


Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person's Corn Flakes?
A: A cereal killer


Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.


Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
A: Tired blood.


Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.


Q: Where do vampires live?
A: At the Vampire State Building.


Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: In the casketeria.


Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.

Q: What do you call goblins who gets too close to a bonfire?
A: Ghost Toasties.


Q: What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?
A: A Sand-witch

Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel.


Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A: A blood hound.


Q: What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
A: Hallowieners.


Q: What do you call serious rocks?
A: Grave stones.


Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
A: By witchful thinking.


Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?
A: It was a stake sandwich.
 
going along with the Halloween theme...

I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about...so pass on this sad, sad news. . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and.. .well, you know the rest
Click to expand...

http://www.humormatters.com/groaners.htm
 
Steel_Magnolia said:
Loved crws's joke, and speaking of monkeys:

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys. Some monkeys are climbing up the tree, some are climbing down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but @##holes. :rolleyes: :D
Click to expand...

My Dad had one similar he used to tell a lot " The farther up a tree a monkey climbs the more you see of his behind!". As a retired Chief Warrant Officer and Civil Service front line manager he had a ton of experiences to back it up.:D
 
Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
 
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]You get winded from knocking on the door
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]You have to have someone chew the candy for you
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]You ask for high fiber candy only.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
[/FONT][FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


[/FONT]
 
A proposed alternative to full body scanners in airports

Much better than a strip search

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will NOT X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.
The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone.
There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials. This is so simple that it's brilliant.

I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."
 
CountryBoy said:
A proposed alternative to full body scanners in airports

Much better than a strip search

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will NOT X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.
The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone.
There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials. This is so simple that it's brilliant.

I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."
Click to expand...
Love it...:D:D:laugh:

Remined me of this..

 
Last edited:
:) Non-partisan political humor to get you in the mood to vote:


  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain

  • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

  • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801- 1850)

  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers

  • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)

  • No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)

  • Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown

  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain

  • There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. - Mark Twain
 
All right! Another Jimmy buffet fan! (from the Fear no Fear rally)



slide_12644_169534_large.jpg

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/30/the-funniest-signs-at-the_n_776490.html#s169534
 
Last edited:
Retired living

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]
What A Retired Guy Does​





After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Customer,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed:

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'






[/FONT]
 
Add to Wall Mart List - Arrived in jogging suit, sneakers, headband and hand weights. On sweat shirt back - Wall Mart Joggers. :toung:

My husband is in charge of shopping, I can't stand Wall Mart either.
 
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