Black Humor (for RED days.)

[CountryBoy]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:​

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.​

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.​

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.​

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.​

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.​

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.​

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.​

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:​

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.​

:laugh::laugh: You are on a roll brother.

 

[Frixxxx]

+100 Buster:laugh:

 

[Buster]

Y'all know you shouldn't encourage me...

Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh.......


'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest


'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger

than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.



Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.



'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse

and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'


'It's swollen,' Dave replied.


She ran out of the room.

 

[tsptalk]

I see Lady had to bring out the eraser. Here's the rules she is referring to:

The basic rules are fairly simple in principle:

1. Be polite and respectful.

2. Conduct yourself generally as you would at any professional encounter with respected colleagues.

3. Harassment and irritation of other members will not be tolerated. Please try to avoid offending other members. We understand that you cannot please every one all the time. However, when we get a variety of similar complaints, a review will be conducted.

4. If you see a post that appears to violate any of our guidelines, do not respond to the post, or any offensive post. Send a Report Post or a private message to the administrator or moderator(s) notifying them of the subject post.

11. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Thank you

 

[CountryBoy]

Little Johnny is not an Obama fan

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama
fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said,
"Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.. Little Johnny
answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a
Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron
and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an
Obama fan."

 

[Frixxxx]

Little Johnny is not an Obama fan ........

Now that sir, is funny, I don't care who you are!!!!!:laugh:

 

[CountryBoy]

Now that sir, is funny, I don't care who you are!!!!!:laugh:

Thanks Frixxxx,

But actually a liberal friend, that has a sense of humor, yeah I know, sent it to me and said just change the names to suit my side. Even when I got it first, it was funny.

You gotta be able to laugh at yourself. If not, you are a sad person. Bush's butchering of the english language always got me laughing, the Norm Crosby ( for us old farts) of politics.

Have a good weekend bud,

CB

 

[burrocrat]

Little Joanie's parents raised her right, to believe in herself, and that she could accomplish anything she set out to do. They scrimped and saved so she could have a better life. Despite the years of tuition, books, and room and board, not to mention the late nights spent out on the wrong side of town, Joanie is now almost ready to graduate. Only three more questions on the final exam:

What is the procedure when the swollen nodules in the back of the throat are removed?

Tonsilectomy.


What is the surgical remedy for a patient with continuing severe stomach pain and high fever?

Appendectomy.


What do you call it when a man trapped in a woman's body their whole life has gender reassignment surgery?

Addadictomy.

 

[Buster]

Burr, you reminded me of this one:


What do you call a Nun who had a Sex Change operation?
















ready, wait for it






















A Transister

 

[Birchtree]

You guys are killing me this morning.

 

[CountryBoy]

A blind man wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you. Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The whole bar immediately falls very silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should
know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[James48843]

WARNING:



If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi",

DON'T open it!

It contains...


a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

 

[James48843]

View attachment 8523​

 

[merlin]

Little Johnny is not an Obama fan

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama
fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said,
"Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.. Little Johnny
answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a
Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron
and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an
Obama fan."

That was good...my wife laughed our _sses off.

 

[merlin]

CB you are a good Ole cuss.

 

[Buster]

Money Talks...

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh!t?'

 

[Buster]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

[Viva_La_Migra]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Thanks Buster. I needed a good laugh.

 

[CountryBoy]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Thank ya for the compliment merlin and Buster and good laugh is the best way to start off a morning. Thank ya.

 

[James48843]

A A A D D​

​

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm.​

I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.​

They need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.​

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote
someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs..​

But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers.
Quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.​

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.