Men things

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus
is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on
and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his
light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.



Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
a parrot.


Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn
you.'




The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'


'Moses,' replied the bird.


'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'






'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
 
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded..
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
 
I think that quote from luv2read refers to the fact that I knew there were two G spots and I know where they are located. I'll leave it to someone else to tell what they do.
 
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Okay..testing the HUMOR BUTTON...This is a thread called "men things"..after all..:rolleyes:

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If anyone is offended, sorry, not trying to..please delete it MODS if it is too much..no pun intented:D
 
And for the biggest WHY question of all..

Why is there Braile Buttons at a Drive through ATM?:confused:
 
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?​


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?​


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? ​


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?​


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?​


When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' ​


Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? ​



In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?​
 
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? ​

​


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?​



Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?​


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?​


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?​


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?​


If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?​

​
 
Show-me said:
Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman....
Click to expand...
ROFL! Good one! :cool:

I'd read it to my husband but I can't get him to quit switching TV channels long enough to listen. Men don't want to know what is on television, they want to know what ELSE is on television. :laugh: :laugh:

Mars and Venus. Mars and Venus! :nuts:

Better go steam press a business suit now ....

Lady
 
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