ole and sven

Sven and Ole go to Fargo and visit a brothel. A woman says she will have sex with both of them for $20, but insists, "You have to use rubbers 'cause I don't want to get pregnant." They agree. Back on the farm, a week later, Sven says, "Hey, Ole, remember that girl we met in Fargo?" "You betcha, why?" Well, I been thinking I don't give a damn whether she gets pregnant or not." "Me neither." "Well, let's take dese damn tings off, then"
 
Birchtree said:
My neighbor has a feral cat that lives in her back yard. She is a natural born hunter and very sweet. She and I have become friends over the last several years and she takes care of any mole problems that may venture into my back yard. Of course you are wondering why I'm telling you this - her name is Lena.
Click to expand...

your neighbor's name is lena? no way, is she single? got her number? i promise i'll talk nice.
 
My neighbor has a feral cat that lives in her back yard. She is a natural born hunter and very sweet. She and I have become friends over the last several years and she takes care of any mole problems that may venture into my back yard. Of course you are wondering why I'm telling you this - her name is Lena.
 
Neither...the law prohibited him form carring guns or knives, being as he was mentally unstable, sober or otherwise..


Ole wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was
involved with Sven...
One day, Ole got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'. But the girl
said 'NO!'.

Ole said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up'.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult with Sven.

So she called Sven and told him the story. Sven
says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't
even be able to get his pants down'.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and Sven is waiting for his girlfriend
to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the Sven calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard Ole used nickels!
 
aaah, but could you tell when your friend was sober? that is usually when the knife slips in.

Sven and Ole | Live Someday

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them, “Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?”

Ole replies, “Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, “Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?”

Sven replies, “Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded. “I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?”

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, “Vell, don’t ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!”
Click to expand...
 
RealMoneyIssues said:
copy/paste...

no caps = burro

Sentence caps <> burro
Click to expand...
There was a drunk and a drug addict I once knew that would tell me these same jokes all the time..I Knew when he was sh!tfaced and or under the influence when he'd start on these jokes..

And do we really need ANOTHER joke thread?..I think "Black Humor for Red Days" would be enough....


(hic)...Ole is at work one day when he notices that Sven is wearing an earring.
The Ole knows his friend to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The Ole walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His Ole falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one ?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck." (hic--burp)
 
Last edited:
Ole and Sven were out on the lake fishing,*
Ole says to Sven,
" Sven, I tink I'm going to leave Lena"*
Oh? why is dat Ole?*
"Vell Sven, she hasn't talked to me in nearly 2 months
*and von't tell me vat I did wrong."*
After a few minutes, Sven says to Ole.
*" Ole, I vould tink twice about dat,*
woman like dat are hard to find"
 
Why did you suddenly start to use capitalization at the beginning of sentences and Proper nouns?...


Okay!..Who are you? and what did you do to the Pig?
 
Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious."

Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."
 
you suck at debates.

Ole went to the Sons of Norway Hall one night and finally won the door prize, which was a toilet brush. He was so excited that he won he brought it home and used it often. Sven asked him during the next meeting what the prize was and if he liked it or not. Ole replied, "Yea I like the toilet brush, but I think I'm gonna go back to using paper."
 
burrocrat

burrocrat

Well-known member
so ole and sven were out checking on the stock, and they found this poor sheep just standing there with it's head stuck in the fence.

not one to let a good opportunity go to waste, ole unbuckles his belt and drops his jeans down to his ankles and puts it hard to the ewe.

after he's finished he says 'ok sven, now it's your turn'.

so sven unbuckles his belt and drops his jeans and sticks his head in the fence.
 
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