Humor For A Black Day (For Those That Aren't In)

[Buster]

 

[JOVARN]

Great stuff

 

[Buster]

The maid asks for a raise.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you...'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora . . the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

 

[Buster]

Random Thoughts....

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

3. Why is there Braille buttons on drive through ATMs?.

4. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

5. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

6. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

9. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

10. Was learning cursive really necessary?

11. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

12. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

13. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...

14. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

15. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

16. Bad decisions make good stories.

17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

18. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

19. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just arent doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

 

[Buster]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious She was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you American people too!''

 

[FAB1]

Hmm generally I hate shopping too - you shouldnt be giving me these ideas!

 

[Intrepid_Timer]

Couple Banned From Target'...........



>>After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse.

>>>Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our
local Target.

>>>Dear Mrs.

>>>Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

>>>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.

>>>2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

>>>3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.

>>>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused
the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.


>>>5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&Ms on layaway.

>>>6 August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

>>>7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty
children obliged.

>>>8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

>>>9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

>>>10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

>>>11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.


>>>12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

>>>13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

>>>14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

>>>15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet
paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.