Election year humor

[Silverbird]

Former President Bill Clinton was speaking at a fund raiser in the Last State in the Union to Have a Primary. He was secretly angry because Majority Leader Reid and Hillary were up to something in the Senate, and he had been called in at the last minute as a stand in, and he thought his tie was on crooked. Nevertheless, he persevered, “My wife will never, never surrender! She will never never accept the Vice….”

His Blackberry rang. It was Hillary. “Shut up, goat, or you’ll be sleeping on the couch again.”
He looked at his Blackberry, shook it, and whispered into the headpiece “Say again?”
Hillary answered, “Think. You have no idea of the new powers of the Vice Presidency. W put Cheney in charge of everything.”

Bill Clinton blinked, and said to the Press, “Er, that was Hillary, she just told me to shut up. That’s all for today, gotta go.” The press hollered their questions, but Bill Clinton smiled vacantly, waved, and then hurried off.

At the next secret Star Chamber Cabinet meeting, President W was in a fine and feckle mood, “Wha hah hah, Hillary taking the Vice Presidency, haha.” Cheney did not smile back.

VP Cheney knew he was in trouble when Hillary Clinton appeared at the door of his Vice Presidential offices in the Senate. She smiled, too sweetly, “Ohh, floor to ceiling purple velvet curtains with gold trim will be perfect. I can see why you took this space back.” She continued to look around, with that smile on her face until VP Cheney scowled, “What do you want? I’m busy.”

“I want to try on your Darth Vader hat.”

VP Hillary Clinton, Ruler of the Secret Energy Policy Star Chamber, Presidential Party Whip of the Senate, power behind the Oval Office, sat in her High Seat in the Senate. Meanwhile, Second Gentleman William Clinton, Negotiator at Large, was reaching an “understanding” with Kim Jong Il, but the only one who understood the implications of the agreement was Bill. VP Clinton knew that it was good.

The Senate cringed as her cell phone rang. It was the Imperial Theme from Star Wars.

 

[rokid]

Washington D.C. Episcopal Bishop declares Bush a saint

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings. His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, 'We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint.'

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, 'The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it.' Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:

"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a
low-intelligence numb-nuts who can't put a compound sentence together. He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam war and went AWOL to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event destroyed.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money,causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. It is a three-trillion dollar folly.

He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina. He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome. The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars. Oil rose from $18 to over $100 per barrel, leading to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford, with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney...George W. Bush is a saint."

 

[Miss_Piggy]

... too true to be funny - lol

 

[Buster]

Although funny as hell..it is also sad...

...was he referring to the 57 Islamic states perhaps?

 

[luv2read]

there's just 57 islamic states?

 

[Buster]

I see you got the gist of the Vid




The Organisation of the Islamic Conference (OIC) is an international organization with a permanent delegation to the United Nations. It groups 57 nations, most of which are Islamic, from the Middle East, Africa, Central Asia, Caucasus, Balkan, Southeast Asia, South Asia and South America. The official languages of the organization are Arabic, English and French.

 

[luv2read]

The rest of the world is watching. From a German parade.

 

[Fivetears]

CLEAR THINKING
From a Danish citizen.
"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you in the U.S. are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer that is married to a lawyer...
and on the other side, you have a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer.
On the third side, you have a war hero, married to a woman with nice hooters, who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?"

 

[James48843]

​

 

[The HalfBreed]

DENMARK ?!?!?

Aren't they the cheerleaders for BOTH sides of any war, kinda like the Swiss? :laugh:


How bout this I received in an Email:

a cute email that is whipping around Al Gore's Internet. It's funny, poignant and maybe even doable. Check it out...
Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California and we've decided we're leaving.
We intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware that includes Nevada, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get John Edwards. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro choice and anti war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood, Lake Tahoe, and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good pot too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely, Author Unknown in New California.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Sure you can trust our government, just ask an Indian"

 

[luv2read]

love this! thanks!:laugh: